Easy Money (1)
Cast of Characters_____ JOE MUNNY: Young guy trying to make easy money CHAIRMAN The most powerful man in the world FANNIE & FREDDIE (F & F) Banking executives CHUCK THRUSTER Real estate / mortgage broker LISA DE RANGER Compulsive physical therapist ZACKY RINGER Retired boxer / fight promoter GIOVANNI PANETTONE Korean owner of expensive Italian bicycle store OFFICER PEPPER Police sergeant YOUNG COP HEALTH CLUB WOMAN The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual people or events. Scene one SETTING: Joe Mummy�s apartment. Dim room with minimal furnishings. Door stage right. A chair and small table with a phone on it. A prominent stove. A lit light fixture on the wall. We can hear it raining outside. AT RISE: The phone rings just as MUNNY fumbles outside with the lock on the door. MUNNY, having a bad day, dressed in shirt and tie but no coat, with a wet newspaper over his head, enters. MUNNY (To himself) Rains one day a year in L.A. Has to be the day the damn car breaks down. Again! (He runs to the phone and picks it up.) MUNNY Joe Munny! Yeah, uh huh. I understand. I�ve got all the documents together (He lifts the newspaper up to the phone and crumples it.) But I�ve been working on this for the last two weeks. This real estate loan. It�s very complicated. Yes. That will end up costing you more. You shouldn�t. Yes. Well thanks any (He�s cut off and hangs up in disgust.) Crap. Every time. That�s the third time this week. Another loan explodes. Should be selling Real Estate, or mowing the lawns. Make more money. Is it me or is there some evil force working out there to get me? Can�t keep doing this. MUNNY (Cont.) (He feels sorry for himself, overdoing it. Cursing under his breath. He looks around the bleak apartment and sees the stove. He gets down on his hands and knees before the stove. He opens the oven door. The sounds of the storm get ominously louder. He sticks his head into the oven with exaggerated performance.) MUNNY (From inside the oven) (Big sigh) It�s electric. (He pulls out of the oven, bumping his head. And kneels facing it. Turning a knob.) Maybe self-cleaning. (Sticks his head back in. Lighting and thunder. The lamp on the wall flickers. The lamp goes out. Lightening flashes and the scene goes dark.) Scene two We still hear the storm, though quieter now. There is a flash of lightening and a puff of smoke remains. Now the light reveals the CHAIRMAN standing before us center in a pool of light, an older man in a business suit. At his feet, prostrate, are two younger people, FANNIE & FREDDIE, also in business attire. The CHAIRMAN pulls a large cigar from an inside pocket. And sniffs it. CHAIRMAN Why do these things always smell like sulfur? (He walks around talking to himself, and to the audience directly.) Ahh, the conundrum. The business cycle seems to linger in this soft patch. Bond yields, interest rates have been ratcheting lower for 20 years. And the market has invented many novel bonds to sell on wall street. Asset and Mortgage Backed Securities, Synthetic Credit Default swap Options and myriad derivative market instruments to create more credit and liquidity. Yet still, the economy slows. What more could be needed than easy credit? Well, there still is a vast reservoir of home equity that has not been liquidated. (FANNIE & FREDDIE lift their heads and look puzzled then get up on their knees.) CHAIRMAN There never was anyone who had as much faith in the free market as I. You might say I worship it. No one hated socialism more. Ayn Rand would testify to that. Bless her soul. Everyone knows top down control of prices and markets doesn�t work. Consumers without brand loyalty, shortages, inferior productivity, long lines and moral turpitude. F & FCHAIRMAN, intervening in the markets could cause imbalances. CHAIRMAN Well, we deregulated it. (waves his hand) Imbalances will work themselves out. We can�t be blamed if they don�t. Since I forced Congress to get rid of the Glass Steagall Act. Ah. My move was elegant, I just ignored the law, giving Citigroup an exemption to merge with Soloman Smith Barney. Deregulation. That was the start of the marriage of banking and brokerage. A Depression era hindrance gone. We have the macro equipment we need to build the greatest credit expansion in history. Lord knows (looks around fearfully) we�ve inflated a couple of bubbles along the way, telecom and the tech stocks. But we need more, now. CHAIRMAN (Cont.) More credit, more lending. My little friends, your job is to package all those real estate loans, all of them, and don�t ask any questions and sell them as collateralized debt obligations, sounds like high grade bonds on wall street. F &F With all those real estate backed bonds out there, plus the treasuries, corporate and junk issues: That will force the prices down and push the interest yields up? CHAIRMAN Dropping short term rates, creating a rapid expansion of credit, and by that I of course mean debt, the market will be swimming in liquidity. More borrowing, more liquidity. Bonds, as well as other assets, will be bid up in price, pushing yields down. So easier borrowing. As assets inflate, even better, more collateral. As long as the cycle doesn�t stop abruptly, before the finance industry can unwind . . . F & F That�s inflationary. And could push up, not just asset prices but cause a broad increase in prices and even (gasp) labor costs. The dollar exchange rate could be threatened. CHAIRMAN Japan�s printing press is running faster than ours. China needs our markets. Old Europe wants to stay in the export business too. Commodities, that could be a problem. Especially oil. We have to control oil. (To audience) But that�s a whole �nother drama. F & F Won�t this show up in the C.P.I. numbers. CHAIRMAN Numbers can be fixed. Hedonic quality adjustments. Rental Equivalence for real estate cost evaluation, instead of using home sales prices. The chained consumer price index and seasonal adjustments. By my calculation we can report up to 861,000 new job creations annually just by using the assumption of new business startups creating jobs, based on GDP numbers. Leave the numbers to me. CHAIRMAN (Cont.) We�ll get the money flowing. Money. Ahh the days when there was such a thing. In the 60s I wrote papers supporting the yellow brick road approach. Money. I apologize for using the term so loosely. I control the price of Federal Reserve Notes. Which controls the price of everything. Kinda like Socialism. Ironic. It makes me a little uncomfortable. But I have to do it. It�s for their own good. We need to intervene. The international carry trade is good to go. We have work to do. FANNIE, FREDDIE UP! Scene three Health club THRUSTER, an older man dressed in running shorts, sleeveless tee shirt and bandana, enters, crosses to treadmill, stage right. There is an unoccupied treadmill next to him. A weight machine is up stage. THRUSTER switches the treadmill on and begins jogging at a leisurely pace. Munny, anxious, dressed in shirt and tie and carrying a thick sheaf of papers hurries over to THRUSTER. MUNNY Chuck! THRUSTER Hey, Joe. What�s up? MUNNY Thought I�d catch you here. I was on my way into the office. Got to talk to you about this loan. Here�s the whole package. It�s exploding. THRUSTER All of yours seem to do that. What�s the problem? MUNNY I�ve got up to a million offered by every major bank, at a three percent teaser rate, with no income verification required, but the borrower keeps writing his REAL income down on the application forms.. I don�t know why I listened to my uncle and got into this lending racket. Shouldn�t take business advice from people who live in their cars. THRUSTER Still a little down, huh boy. Hey, you should be happy. You survived that freak accident when your hair caught on fire. It could have been over. (Glancing at the cover sheet of the papers.) They don�t have any equity. That�s the rub being a mortgage broker. The banks are running after the people with �A� credit histories, who know how to fill out loan applications. We get. . . MUNNY Deadbeats. THRUSTER You�ll find deadbeats in banks too. We get borrowers who really need our help and expertise . . . our finesse. MUNNY I don�t think anyone�s going to go for this one. Should I send the package back? THRUSTER No. No my boy. We�ll do it. This is where it gets interesting. We�ll corral a private investor. MUNNY They�ll want beaucoup points. THRUSTER Hell yes! But that�s the beauty of it. They�ll put s many points on it that we�ll be able to sneak a couple of our own on the deal. Much better than working for a crummy quarter percent. THRUSTER I�ll be in the office a little later. I�ll give you some names. Hey, why don�t you hang out here for a bit. I�ll get you a guest pass so you can try out some of the machines. The scenery is incredible here. Unbelievable women come here. MUNNY You�ve had some unbelievable stories about the women you�ve met here. I�d better get going. I�ve got three pages already this morning. I�d better make some calls. THRUSTER Why don�t you return those calls from here. If you can�t find me on the machines when you come back, I�ll be in the pool. (MUNNY exits. THRUSTER continues jogging. He is doing okay, but not enjoying himself. It�s getting to be a chore. LISA DE RANGER, a 20 something lycra wearing beauty enters and hops onto the other treadmill. They smile at each other and run in pace. THRUSTER looks her up and down checking her out. He is happier now and the incline of his treadmill increases.) THRUSTER (He leers at her.) Wow. You have the most beautiful eyes. When I was flying with the Dream Worksfolks I was fortunate to see quite a few good looking women, but none even close to you. Are you in the business or a model maybe? DE RANGER Thanks. No. I�m a physical therapist. So you work for Dream Works? THRUSTER I�m a pilot for United Airlines. Fly the big boring jets. You�re a physical therapist. You freelance or work for a hospital? DE RANGER I work for a local group. THRUSTER The Condyle Sports Medicine Group here in Brentwood? DE RANGER Yeah. How did you know? Are you a patient of Dr.Condyle�s? THRUSTER No. I play tennis now and then with Sam. That�s as close as I want to get to an orthopedic surgeon. I�m Chuck. Chuck THRUSTER. He ever mention me? DE RANGER (She shrugs her shoulders). Dr. Condyle is a great surgeon. THRUSTER He�s a bastard. He cheats. He�s probably not paying you what you�re worth. DE RANGER He�s trying to keep the office expenses down. I�ve been asking him to get some new tables. The Naugahyde is ripped on a few of them. Said he couldn�t really afford that. He was trying to save enough to get me a raise this year. So I came in early last Wednesday. Real early. The plumbing was out in my apartment. And there was the doctor finishing up duck taping the tables. He has been trying to sell the apartment and the clinic. The properties are connected somehow at the bank. He is such a hard-working guy. THRUSTER Yes. You medical people. I have such respect for the work you do. You are under-appreciated. You are an angel of mercy. I�d like to show my appreciation by taking you out to lunch some time. A nice lunch. Spago maybe. I�m sure Sam wouldn�t mind. (DE RANGER finishes up on the treadmill and hands him a card with a giggle.) THRUSTER LISA DE RANGER what an appealing name. (She walks off. In a beat THRUSTER switches off the machine and slumps on the treadmill. He steps off the machine. MUNNY returns. THRUSTER recovers and perks up a bit.) THRUSTER God. That�s the kind of thing that makes you proud to be an American. I love L.A. Man, You should have seen the babe that was on that treadmill a minute ago. You�d be real sorry missing that. She was coming on to me big time. MUNNY Oh. Yeah? THRUSTER She was only on that treadmill a couple of minutes. This is the mother of all health clubs on the West Side. Sure, other places have more equipment. They�ve got aerobic classes, yoga, kick boxing. Filled with jocks and lesbians who haven�t changed their socks in years. But this place. The babes are here. Just stayed on that treadmill long enough for me to get her number. Joe, after I�m gone. I want you to promise me that you�ll have my ashes scattered over the Club�s Jacuzzi. MUNNY (skeptically) That�s the third time this week. How come I never see these girls? THRUSTER You have to pay attention. MUNNY She was coming on to you? Was she promoting something; Homeopathic Ginseng Herbalife, self-help classes? Questionable real estate deals. Oh. No, that�s what we do. THRUSTER No. Joe. Not every good looking woman that starts a conversation with you is trying to sell you something. She seemed different. You don�t believe me? Here. Here�s her number. MUNNY You meet this incredible girl and you want me to call her? THRUSTER Hey, I�m intuitive. I�ve got a SICK sense about these things. She�s the girl for you. I didn�t get to where I am by obsessing about details. Someday we�re going to get you connected with a real woman. Not like those bicycling friends of yours. You should call her sometime. Incredible. She was real impressed with me being a pilot for United. (wistfully) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. MUNNY You never were a United pilot. THRUSTER I could have been. I flew jet planes. MUNNY That was A6s in Korea, after the war. THRUSTER Yeah. A6s great platform. Real tough plane, They�ll go through anything and get you back home. I never had to bail over Korea. You don�t want to do that. Couple times over there, I started obsessing about that, bailing out. MUNNY Why would you want to bail out. I thought you never even got shot at over there. THRUSTER I mean most of the time my mind was just filled with getting laid and I was always good at keeping my head straight. But once that thought got into my mind. What�s it like to eject. To be doing four, maybe five hundred knots, blow the canopy and whoa air-born blown out into the wild blue. Couldn�t keep that thought away. THRUSTER (Cont.) When I was out here at the end. Out of Port Hueneme, one day, I popped it. Had to see what it was like. MUNNY You had mechanical trouble and bailed out? THRUSTER Yeah. Mechanical trouble. That�s what I put in the report. Wasn�t an A6 though. Not the same. You really should get a membership in this club and come down here and work out. I know, I know you ride that bicycle of yours four hundred miles a week. But man that girl. You don�t see women like that riding bicycles. MUNNY I don�t. GIOVANNI�s met a couple of cute girls. Annie�s not bad at all. THRUSTER GIOVANNI�s got a good gimmick. Instead of being just another Korean shop owner: He�s got that whole Italian image he�s put on. You own a bike shop selling only high end Italian bike parts, Campanola Pinadildo titanium frames and such. Living up in the Palisades and driving the Ferrari doesn�t hurt either. MUNNY GIOVANNI gave me a real good deal on a Campy axle set. One hundred fifty bucks. THRUSTER One hundred fifty dollars for a few ounces of aluminum and a couple of ball bearings. MUNNY No bearings. That was for the shaft only. THRUSTER Yeah. Pricey stuff. My point, women shop. Women shop for expensive things. Especially if someone else is paying. You�ll see them in GIOVANNI�s store, but riding a bike up hill for 50 miles. Not often. Yeah. Annie�s okay. Is she still with GIOVANNI? MUNNY Yeah. Her bike�s getting pretty close to being finished though. She�s having some wheels built. Got the rims but they�re waiting for the aerodynamic spokes. Think they�re back ordered. THRUSTER Annie�s okay. If GIOVANNI�s smart, he�d make sure those parts stay back ordered. Annie will dump him like the last one. She�ll bug out when her bike gets finished. MUNNY Wish I could get a better discount. (THRUSTER gets off the machine, puts his arm on Munny�s shoulder and they walk out.) THRUSTER You really have to call. . . (HEALTH CLUB WOMAN walks by and THRUSTER�s mind drifts along with her.) MUNNY Lisa. THRUSTER Oh yeah, Lisa. You have to call Lisa. She seemed so interesting too. (THRUSTER and MUNNY exit. As HEALTH CLUB WOMAN prepares to get on the machine, The CHAIRMAN enters with FANNIE & FREDDIE deferentially behind him. The CHAIRMAN walks by the HEALTH CLUB WOMAN ignoring her. He pulls out a tape measure and holding it horizontally, pulls out a length of the tape. He repeats this vertically, somehow measuring the building. FANNIE & FREDDIE (each) pull out stacks of credit cards and fan them out like a card trick. Offering them to her. She takes one and smiles.) Scene four. Construction site in the Palisades, overlooking the ocean. Rough open framed sections of wall at side, some of it covered with tar paper with an unfinished door hung in another section of framing. A round steel trash can with cover is at the corner of the wall down stage left. (MUNNY enters, walking alongside his bicycle in full riding regalia, gaudy lycra, aerodynamic helmet with rearview dental mirror etc. He has a little trouble walking because of the cleats on his shoes. THRUSTER enters dressed for the disco 70s with an open collar and gold chain. He is huffing and puffing.) THRUSTER Man that�s a steep hill. The paved road ends a mile away from here. MUNNY How�d they manage to build something out here? THRUSTER Yeah. This is even uglier than that last little job we did. This guy gotta be desperate. We�ve got an opportunity. This one�s pure profit. ZACKY Ringer. You ever hear of him. Anyway, he�s a big time fight promoter. He�s a buddy of Dr. Sam Condyle. ZACKY is putting together a come back bout for Tyson. He is a little strapped for cash right now cause he just finished building this twelve thousand square foot house up here. So he needs two hundred fifty thousand cash out to put the fight deal together. We refi him with a hard money first. We can blanket the loan with a property he�s got in Vegas adjacent to the MGM. We�re splitting twelve points on seven hundred fifty thou. MUNNY Chuck. This looks like a construction site. Some geologists might not go that far. That�s a lot of cash. No institutional lender is going to do that. You think any of your private investors will be willing to put up that much money? And does he have any equity in the real estate to secure the loan? We get all the people that are already down the tubes. Three or four loans against them. Still not as bad as this. THRUSTER Man. You worry too much. MUNNY Looks like it used to be paved up to here. I think this Guy�s back yard is what closed down the Coast Highway last year. Didn�t he say the house was finished? We can�t do
Copyright © 2005 Peter E Zuehlke |