The Mad Music Teacher
THE MAD MUSIC TEACHER Chapter One She sat in solitude in her silent reverie, calling for a knight in shining armour. She sat in emptiness while her walls crowded her with its pictures and words. Almost questioning her. She looked outside at the Jasmine and Felicity, the Peppercorn and Frangipani and saw nothing. She listened to the dogs barking, the birds singing, the clock ticking, the music playing and heard nothing. She was trapped in her own prison. Slowly the tip of her pen touched the paper and the walls of her prison collapsed around her. As if someone had thrown her the key and freed her, for the moment. Though she knew her freedom was not forever, it would only last as long as she wrote� �the hysteric laughter clutters my ears and shatters my mind, it breaks me down, I fall in anguish, tears flood down my face. Will my salvation arrive in a suit of black, a sword of anguish and a shield of anger? Why do we shun what we ask for and receive praise for the unexpected� The walls of her prison rose again as if they were waiting. She stood up and went about her daily business. Why did she want her freedom so badly if it seemed so full of torment? Her entrapment brought safety but no comfort. She would live life, waiting. Waiting for what? Happiness, even though it never came. Every time she walked past her room she longed to see the walls of her prison collapse again but knew it would have to wait. No one understood her and her writing. It was almost as if the girl they all knew wanted pain, were they right? She sat down at the table ignoring the noise her class was making and hoped for the word that was almost beautiful to her. She wrapped her hand around the pen and paper and heard the distant rumble of crashing walls. The voices were now in the distance and her prison was crumbling, freedom� �The darkness surrounds me, I wish it would just get it over and done with and swallow me, why won�t the darkness steal me from my misery�take me, swallow me, finish me, I�ve had enough, I want no more! I wish for nothing, I ask for nothing, don�t give me anything! I live life for the happy moments I never get! Or when I get them I lose them. They exceed my grasp until I have them and then they slip through my fingers. Whose fault that is, there is none but myself to blame, but then why do I live? I DON�T WANT TO! But why do I? Is it because I know that I haven�t said goodbye to the one person I fear will never miss me, lost in a void of darkness never to be spat out but to eternally spin in my nothingness wishing to be swallowed as my dreams are shattered�goodbye light�remember the one who cried �death�� The bell shattered the silence. Slowly she stood up and packed her bags. She smiled as her friend walked up to her. Will this day ever end? She thought to herself. She walked to her next class in silence, hoping for the day to end, so she could go home and escape� �Darkness sets in, heartbreak sets in, loneliness sets in. I have forgotten, forgotten how to be happy, those surges of exhilaration that pass through when I hear his voice or when I know for sure that I am in his heart and mind. But that surge, that exhilaration has been unknown for what feels like years. I think of the distance and I wish it weren�t there. Even though the physical distance is much greater than the mental distance. In heart and mind he is watching over me and holding my hand non-stop� Escape and freedom was not forever. Her mom was home which meant she would have to work. She closed her journal and went outside to open the gate. �I�m going out, dad and I will only be back at ten.� She now had the rest of the evening to herself and to break free. She sank down onto the grass outside and lit a cigarette. Her mind started to drift, with every exhale went a piece of her mind, until she was sitting there like a ghost� �The darkness surrounds me, it engulfs me, I struggle, I fight, I try to keep myself from falling, from losing myself. I don�t want to become one of those who have ghost eyes, eyes that are empty, souls that have left. I don�t want to leave my body. I don�t want to be here, yet in another world, a world where I don�t really exist, or a world where I once was and they now mourn my departure. I feel as I think and as I think, I perceive and as I perceive, I look, as I feel. A horrible circle I can�t escape. A circle I wish to open and free me, but I�m lost and I don�t want to be found unless by one, my soul keeper, my heart guard, my mind reader, my emotions reaper, find me, keep me, keep me from losing myself again. You have left, I will leave, find me, retrieve me, save me from myself� She climbed into bed and quietly slipped into sleep before the realisation of her prison walls reached her. What would she dream about? Her escape? Her freedom? Or would she dream about her entrapment? Her prison? Her eyelids rose to welcome a stinging pain in her arm. She jumped out of bed and started to� �A simple slash found in my waking moment, as I pull the sleeve down, another simple slash�more simple slashes that would scare a simple mind. In every slash, pain, suffering, anger, anguish, despair, show themselves. Inconsistent, meaningless, and yet there, why? Scratches that mean so little and so much. Scratches that tell a story, a story that wishes to be told, but keeps quiet. Life drains out of every scratch, leaving its host. The host almost fighting and yet not giving its best, fighting for others and giving up for her own will�I would let the light in but I won�t give myself the chance�wait and maybe I will help myself but maybe death will bring my trust� She put on her school uniform and ate breakfast. What had she done? Did she want to escape that badly? Was this her subconscious�s way of telling her to let go? She didn�t want to face school and the questions she would have to face when she absentmindedly pulled her sleeves up, but she would have to go. She took the keys and waited in the car, tears crept down her face as she remembered her conversation last night� �Right at this moment I�d give anything to punch something or scream, I wish I were closed in a sound proof room filled with punching bags, but why? Why is there so much anger flooding through me? Am I scared? Am I trying to hide my fear? Am I worried that I have lost him? He sounds the same on the phone but those three words or even its substitute haven�t been heard by me from him in longer than four days, true I hear them, in my head but I want to hear them from him� It was another dreadful day and, she had absentmindedly pulled her jersey sleeves up, questions flooded her from all directions and all she could say was, �I did it in my sleep!� She hated knowing that everybody was watching her, criticising her, talking about her, her insecurities took over her mind and she walked around like a zombie, lost in thought. She knew that everybody would be wondering why she wasn�t smiling like usual, what had happened to her? She was always so happy� �I look around, I see people, happy, sad, worried, but do they see me? Do they see what I am thinking, how I am feeling? Am I just a person who is always happy, never sad? A person who can�t be sad? Maybe that�s why nobody worries, worries about me! A person who everyone can throw their problems at, a person who takes and takes and never blows, a person who can�t say no! All I do is listen, I don�t talk, I listen, I listen to problems and offer my �smile�, a smile on the outside, one that doesn�t belong there. A smile that is plastered to my face like a mad music teacher! I don�t belong! I am an outsider! I feel like a human feels, compassion, love, but also, sadness, anger, hate, and worry� Chapter Two She had done it again and again, every morning she dreaded looking at her arms for fear of seeing what she knew was there. As she lay in her warm bed, her mind remembered the night before. She had spoken to him, it had been a wonderful conversation, but what made it unbearable was that she knew why it had been so great. It was a goodbye conversation.
Copyright © 2002 Tammi Goyns |