Interview Of A South American Gay
When did you learn you were gay? Well, actually I felt curious about my older brothers since I was five or six. I also had a sexual experience with an older boy when I was ten or eleven and I felt I liked it. That was when I realized I had a sexual preference for boys. Then in secondary school I was completely conscious I was gay since I felt so attracted to my closest friend and I liked him so much as a boy, as a possible lover. What impact did it have on you? Well, I became solitary as I didn’t share most of the interests of other boys. But anyway, I tried to behave like them in some things; for example, I had two or three girlfriends from the age of twelve or thirteen to twenty, but I didn’t feel that "chemistry" of the attraction I felt for boys. What was the reaction of your family? My family got to know only when I was 25. My mother asked me what had gone wrong in her raising me up, as well as if I realized it was against the principles of the upbringing they had given me. By that time there were little children (my nephews and nieces) living at home, so she thought it was better for me to leave so that they would not receive a bad example from me, so, I left. What do you think about holding hands/kissing in public? I like that. I have liked it since I was 20 or so. But normally other boys do not like it because they feel they are being judged. Even though I said I like holding hands and kissing in public, as any couple should be able to do, I have done it just a few times in a furtive manner. Is your country a tolerant one? I think it is in general. Well, at least in big cities. Nowadays there are governmental campaigns asking citizens to become tolerant towards sexual diversity, and that is easy in cities as you go to a bar or walk the streets with a friend, but I do not know how tolerant it would be to have boys holding hands and kissing in public. Where would you advise someone to go to find a partner? That I do not know. I think bars and discos are nice places to meet someone and enjoy yourself, but that can be dangerous. But finding an actual partner is not something to do in a bar or disco or steam house [sauna or bathhouse]. Would you like to marry some day? Yes, I would like to marry my current boyfriend some day, and have all the legal benefits of being a couple, like shared Social Security and the like. Did you experience the famous “absent father” or a negative father-son relationship? Well, I remember my father loved me a lot, but I also remember he used to punish me very hard. I think he punished all his children in the same way, but somehow I used to think he was especially hard with me. But, actually, my father died when I was eleven or twelve years old, so definitely my father was absent, but not while he was alive. Gay people are a minority group in any society. Do you agree that both heredity and environmental factors produce gays or is one factor stronger than the other? Yes, I do. I think you can be gay because there are genetic reasons such an excess of feminine hormones. I believe this so much that I'm absolutely sure there are boys or girls who know they are in the wrong body. And the environment can make you gay as well. I think that was what happened to me, as whatever happens to you in your early childhood will mark your life forever. Did you ever have a fight or anything with your closest high school friend? No, I didn't. My friend understood I liked him or that I liked boys, but he was not interested. He was supportive, anyway. Are you the only gay in your family now? Well, I used to think one of my brothers was gay, too. I'm not sure now. He has a family. I don't know whether he might be hiding his homosexuality or whether he is bi. Actually, it was he who abused me when I was ten or eleven years old. What are some of the qualities of your boyfriend? He is very loving. He works hard. He likes to study and is willing to go further in his personal development. He's absolutely fond of what he does as regards his work. He loves cooking. He is very honest. He's so fun. How does his family react to his lifestyle? Well, today all the members of his family accept him as he is. But it was very hard for him to get to that point. His father used to make him feel bad and didn't accept him from a very young age. How can each mate be sure of the other's fidelity? There's no way to be sure. You can only be confident and accept everything he tells you as true . I think fidelity is a matter of affection rather than a matter of physical involvement with others. I know, yes, you might get to know somebody via an affair and that can finish your relationship with your boyfriend. If that happens, it means that you do not mean the same to your boyfriend now and that it's time for a change in your life. Despite all of this, I can't imagine knowing that my boyfriend is having sex with somebody else. It would really hurt. You say your father loved you. Did you love him? I did, of course. I really liked to be near him. I liked the fact that he sat me in his lap to give me my soup or when we sat around him to listen to his stories of the countryside. He was always attentive to what was happening at school with us and we were always giving him cards for Father's Day. In general, we had a pleasant life with him. Did you feel your mother could have or should have supported you more when she learned about you? Well, she could have supported me, but she might have thought that the fact that I was gay might mean some danger for the little ones. I suppose I mean, in general, people think that if you are gay you are dangerous for little boys. It might be true in many cases, you know, there is so much child abuse in our country. So, I understood her. Besides, in order to react in a different way, as she did afterwards, you need to get to know what being gay means. I mean, my mother met two or three of my boyfriends and she actually loved the last two as her children. She noticed that I was committed to my relationship (in both cases) and she saw how much I suffered when I got separated from my last partner. What I mean is that she knew, from a traditional point of view, that in both cases I tried to establish a relationship. The only difference was that I had a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. I think she would have felt ashamed and reacted in a different way if I had been a transvestite or a prostitute, or a guy who just wanted to go around having affairs whenever possible. So she saw some of her own beliefs and values in me, and she supported me. At the end I was her pride, over my hetero brothers and sisters. So, were the environmental factors that helped to make you gay a blessing or a curse? Well, I wasn't explicit in my previous response. But I have already made it clear. I am gay ( I suppose) because of the abuse. I have felt very happy many times. But I have felt very unhappy, too. I think being different from the majority is both good and bad. It can be good in the sense that you don't get into a storm, you don't feel rejected, you aren't questioned, you just do what the others do, and that means a peaceful life. That I say it is good from the perspective of not having to worry about anything, but it is actually bad. It is to live an aligned life. It is to satisfy what the others want from you, but that's not your life. You are living like a robot, a mechanical life. Being gay and assuming it means that you take the "difficult" way. That makes your life harder, but in the end you'll be satisfied of having lived how you had to and having taken advantage of it. So, it can be both a blessing and a curse. Where does Christianity (God-Jesus) stand in your life? I have a deep belief and I am the spiritual kind. I try to see how spirituality can help us grow and I try to be "good" to the rest of humankind. I am not the religious kind right now, so normally I don't attend mass or religious services. But I have done it, as well as have practiced Zen meditation, yoga, spiritual retreats, those types of things, but I have done that just occasionally, so I would say I am more the "layman" kind". Are you close to one of your brothers or do they ignore you? I have had a distant relationship with both of them. One of them knows I don't feel very comfortable when he is around. You can infer who I am referring to. The other one has always behaved in a "too masculine" way. I mean the traditional, un-educated South American man. I have disagreed too many times with what he has done on many occasions, but now he is trying to show a more sensitive way of being and has claimed attention from all his brothers and sisters. So I suppose this might change. How can a teen of 14 or 15 years old know for sure if she/he is gay? Well, it's hard to say because this experience is so different for each individual. But I think at that age you already "know" whether you feel attracted to men. First of all, your hetero classmates will always talk about girls in a way that you can't help but be ashamed of not feeling the same way. Instead, you will think, I fancy, the same stories, but with boys. I feel this same sex appeal in my case--only it's for boys. Are there any specific churches or schools for gays in the city you live in? I know there is a Catholic church where many gay people attend mass. But I don't think there are schools for gays only. Is your sex life mostly oral? Well, I really like it but I wouldn't say it is mostly oral. I like penetrative sex very much as well. Does feeling shunned or rejected by someone depress you? Yes, it does. I think affect is very important for the human kind in general, but specially for gay people. So, we want to be able to fit into different groups and have their affect, but in general we are rejected because of prejudice. I mean everyone has the right to be judged on an individual basis, and not following an overgeneralization, as prejudices are.- How much age difference is there between you and your partner? I'm 14 years older than he is. What do you think of the adoption of homeless kids by gay couples? I think it is a great alternative for both, the couple and the child. For the couple adoption can give stability to the relationship as a home and for the kid as he or she can have a better future. I have thought about it but not too seriously yet. If the couple is home-oriented, they should be able to have the right to have a child. Besides, that could give the child a less prejudiced view of real life. Don't the murders of Colombian journalists, fashion designers, and others reveal for the most part an intolerant country? Well, yes. That's ideological intolerance. It has to do with the political position they adopt. But being gay also has to do with ideology. Being gay means questioning the all-macho power the society has given to men, especially those who are white and middle class or above, so women, black people and all minorities are all in the same position. ______________________________________________
Copyright © 2006 Randall Barfield |