Those Presentation Jitters The day started out well enough; it promised to be a good day. The history graduate student got out of bed and felt happy that all was in order. She made breakfast and worked on documents, then went to her Toastmasters meeting and gave her speech. The clamor of student’s voices, the assaulting whine of the leaf blower, the occasional growl of a small plane engine overhead, the occasional bird, the clanking of a chain of the bike as it clattered against the bicycle rack accompanied her journey across campus. She stopped and said hello to the staff at the Disabled Studen Services office, greeting Jamie, saying she was nervous, explaining she would give two presentations that day. Congratulations, good luck, laughter about something, some kind of joke about something, who remembered now as she turned and addressed Jeff and said thank you for brailing that file, and then she rode off into the sunset with the cane that was a mess! She went off into the campus, the grass, the concrete, the brown patches, the knots of people all dressed for spring congregating around the planters. She sidled through the hallway, through the concrete of the science building, and out where the vending machines promised unhealthy temptations. There was Tim, sitting and selling coffee. She dropped his newspaper there like a dog and breathlessly said she had to go to her meeting. She was off! The meeting was full! People chattered incessantly, finally stilled by the hammering of the gavel on wood. She flopped into her chair. “I’ll have money for you, soon,” said one person. “Okay take your time,” she answered. Someone else said hello, someone else asked about a check, it was settling down. Te speech ended, the day was half over, the girl left the room talking to someone and walking, crossed the street and went to her house. That Graduate WAS ME! The house was clean, all that had to be done was to finish cooking the chilly dish for the night’s party. The second presentation loomed like an insurmountable obstacle on the horizon. That day at Toastmasters someone had come in distraught because she had a scholarly presentation to make and she felt inadequate to the task. While I did not feel inadequate to the task at hand (it was only a three minute presentation and I had won second place in a contest for talking for two minutes), I felt as if I were giving my first speech for Toastmasters. As I made double sure my house was prepared (it didn’t take much) I rehearsed the prepared remarks in my head. I grabbed the papers and I practiced. I looked away from the notes and immediately forgot my lines. I had memory points where I needed to turn the pages and I hoped to God I would not forget them. What if I got up there on this all important date for a deaf man who had written such a precise presentation and had taken my offer to present it), to commissioners granting money and forgot my lines even when I was looking at them. I just knew, even standing there with the papers in front of me, that I would forget the lines. My voice would freeze, my mouth would not say the words and we would all look sad and forlorn up there. Professionals? Yeah, of course, they are; but me? not there! I waited and dressed for the occasion communicating with Beth online as to the progress of Richard. Where the heck was he anyway! That’s how nervous I was! Please don’t make me wait! They showed up at my house early and I grabbed my papers and my keys and prepared to leave. “Richard is holding a UPS note,” Beth told me. I took it. It was probably the catalogs for the Pampered Chef! I looked one more time, I felt awkward about not greeting him and then I trekked down the stairs and got into the van. I dropped my gum. I still haven’t found it. Richard dropped his keys. At least he found his keys! Well, at least I didn’t drop the papers! I felt awkward carrying those papers; I should have had a brief case or something. But there was enough to think about without thinking about where I was going to put one more item. I needed my hands for my presentation in more than one way and I didn’t want to clutter them with stuff! We got in the van, Richard shook my hand and handed me the buckle. I could have found it but he was happy to help so that was fine. We were off! We sat at the signal I have crossed a million times and proceeded to the freeway. Beth and I kept up conversation and she signed to Richard and I don’t know what happened. I remember saying “I can’t turn back now!” It was kind of like the day I stood in front of the window at Lake forest Illinois on a mission trip and said what the heck am I doing here! It was like the day that Todd called me to set up my first flight in the Cessna! It was one of **those** moments! It was exhilarating; it was stimulating, it was frustrating and annoying. The night before, while sitting at my computer, my laeft hand out and my right curled into a fist I thought “what an honor that Richard picked me to do this!” then I thought, “wait! I volunteered for it!” “Richard says he doesn’t have butterflies in his stomach,” said Beth. I had asked him the night before how he felt and he said he had butterflies. “He gave them to me,” I said. I was the one who was nervous and it wasn’t even my money! “It’s just a big check’ someone told me. I don’t’ remember who it was. Maybe it was Beth. In any case, the trio got to the center and sat there. We were early. All grew quiet; plenty of time for my hands to sweat and my life to flash before my eyes. Beth sat quietly. We talked a little. I envied Richard sitting calmly in the front in the driver’s seat looking out of the window. I could hear his breathing, or was it my heart. While he was sitting there calmly contemplating life (or was he), I was sweating, my heart was racing and I was stimulated! So what was I doing! I imagined his eyes looking out at the concrete and the steel and then we were out and going into the lobby. Oh brother! We entered the council chamber. But what were we supposed to do there! Richard put papers together. I scoped out the room; I asked Beth about where I would be presenting! We escaped to the restroom and left Richard to himself: stranded. Probably not. We went to the bathroom and came back and there he was reminding us why we were there, or at least reminding me why I was there! Oh my God! We sat down and waited. I felt frustrated because I could not talk to him. I bought a bottle of water and so I signed water or what I thought it was and gave him the bottle. It was an offering for him to take it. He opened it and gave it back to me. That wasn’t what I wanted, but okay. You just have to work these things out, sometimes, at least I made the attempt. I was trying! So we sat there and looked important, or was it confused! He was probably fine I was the one who was jumpy. The night before I was telling him not to worry! And me? Well, all I can say is that I am very glad that I was organized that day because if I had not been organized I would have been even more of a wreck than I thought I was! The meeting started. Lori came to help sign to him. We connected the two machines by which Richard and I do most of our communicating at present and I asked Richard a question. Can you lead me to the lectern? Yes, he said, he could do that. I don’t know if I wanted reassurance, or hand holding or what but I didn’t want to trust myself to find it. As we sat there I began to calm a bit. He sat there, his hands on his knees, or signing to Lori, generally relaxed. Beth sat to our right. I was glad I was sitting next to Richard. I needed someone who at least appeared calm. We talked a bit and then it was our turn! I got up and put my hand on his. He had caught the signal and we were up. He led me to the lectern and showed me where the microphone was. I put my papers down and then he walked away from me. You have to remember I’m the one who has given twelve speeches, I’ve given more than my share of concerts, I’ve teased drummers from the stage, I’ve asked flight instructors to dinner, and suddenly I felt all alone. I can’t even describe how it felt. I’m not much of a hand holder but I think I wanted some hand holding that night! Well, anyway, I stood there! Suddenly, a strange thing happened! As I opened my mouth and said “Good evening Chairman Goldstone and commission members, and honored guests, my name is Shelley Alongi and I will be voicing Mr. Rohm’s comments” a strange calm settled over me. Hearing the sound of my own voice was suddenly reassuring! I knew where I was. I knew what I was doing! I had done this so many times before! I hadn’t made a presentation for anyone else, but I had made my own presentations and I knew, suddenly, that I could do this! It didn’t keep me from getting nervous, though. Beforehand I had looked through the pages and gotten a sense of where the breath marks were. I began his written comments and by the end of the first sentence which seemed like forever, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew I could survive this! I breathed. I remembered to breathe. I didn’t forget my lines. I didn’t forget the places where I had to turn the page. I no longer felt abandoned. I was where I belonged. I was addressing important people for someone else. I was happy! So I finished my presentation with a few stumbles, but not too many. I stood there and we dealt with questions. Then I went back to my place. I sat calmly next to Richard who was still calm despite mix-ups and I was suddenly very hungry! If I’m hungry, it means life is good! I had enough sense to sign “sorry” to Richard because there had been an interpreter mix-up. He spelled “ok” back into my hand. Well, at least I know those two letters! We went outside! We stood while Lori and Richard figured out what was happening! “Hey, stop flirting with him and tell me what’s going on!” I said. I was beginning to relax! So we drove to my house. Lori drove me home and talked all the way but I’m not sure if I remember a word she said! I remember getting home and then about forty-five minutes later there they were! The fun was starting! Now we could concentrate on food, and talking. Lori talked for Richard, and I got food, then we sat down and I was never so happy to sit on my couch and hold a typing device in my hand. It was the most relaxed position in the world. It was kind of like touching down in California on a big plane after coming home to restart my life after deciding not to get married. If I could have gazed into my guest’s face with relief I would have done it! Beth sat in the corner doing various things while we talked. Richard was the center of attention! We had fun! We were mostly in stitches. Lori pushed me over the edge and made me sign. So we signed! It took a while for us to get a system worked out. We had Richard put my hand in his direction so I could spell letters. His fingers on my left wrist were reassuring. He would sign words with my hands and then spell them. So maybe I did just want primal hand holding! It’s a big world out there, you know! I spelled with my left hand, he spelled into that hand, I spelled back with my right, leaning forward, fully engaged, hearing his breathing and the clock and concentrating on my letters and my rudimentary sign. I made lots of mistakes and false starts. We started again and again till finally four hours later, after talking, and typing, signing, and drinking ice tea, Richard took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Ok party over! We got up and exchanged hugs and such and Richard and Beth left. I went running out! Not yet! Not just yet! I came out saying “bye, bye.” There he was and he patiently took my hands and signed bye. And then he disappeared and I went into the house! Two things were accomplished that night. First, one man whom I have hardly known accomplished something that no one has ever been able to accomplish in my fourteen year history of entertaining: he made me sit still for more than five minutes! I’m always running around, running, serving, eating, talking. Congratulations! The second thing that happened was I realized I really could do this! I realized I enjoy public speaking! So now I have something else to add to my passion list! Flying, Jefferson, signing, and talking! Well, it’s all about talking, isn’t it! So the next time you think you’re nervous about a speech….e-yikes! But what fun!
Copyright © 2004 Shelley J Alongi |