Storymania - What We Say, What They Hear by John Sheirer

What We Say, What They Hear
John Sheirer

Is there anything more frustrating than being misunderstood? Saying with perfect honesty exactly whatÕs on your mind and in your heart, only to have someone take the wrong meaning from your well-meant words?

The world of relationships is full of such frustration. You meet someone who you really like, who makes you happy, who you enjoy spending time with. Then you say something completely unambiguous, something that you are certain will not be misunderstood, and your companionÕs eyes glaze over or flare in anger. ÒWhat did I say?Ó you say.

The problem is not in what youÕve said so much as it is in what your companion has Òheard,Ó or read into your words. Relationships can sometimes be painfully confusing because for every honest, good-hearted person like you, there are at least ten who are simply on the prowl for what they can get. You are misunderstood because these prowlers are so wide-spread that they have everyone on the defensive. And no matter how honest you think you look, itÕs very easy to be mistaken for a prowler.

Cartoonist Gary Larson of ÒFar SideÓ fame seems to understand misunderstanding as well as any psychologist. One of his best cartoons is emblematic of the situation. It features a man speaking to his cat, saying all sorts of nice things, and occasionally mentioning food. The caption for that panel is ÒWhat we say.Ó The second panel is captioned, ÒWhat they hearÓ and shows that the cat hears only the word ÒfoodÓ surrounded by meaningless chatter.

LarsonÕs ÒWhat we say, What they hearÓ paradigm helps illustrate some of the frustration we all feel when we are misunderstood, particularly in a romantic context. Here are some fairly common cases of the say/hear problem that the innocent, honest person can fall victim to at any point in a relationship.

1) What we say: IÕve never been in a singles bar before.
What they hear: IÕm here every night, and IÕm desperate to meet anybody.

2) What we say: Would you like another drink?
What they hear: How many more drinks will it take to get you rip-snorting drunk?

3) What we say: What do you do for a living?
What they hear: How much money do you have in the bank right now, and how much of that can I sponge from you before you wise up?

4) What we say: What do you usually do with your free time?
What they hear: Are you as lonely and miserable as you seem to be?

5) What we say: IÕve admired you from a distance for a long time.
What they hear: When your back is turned, I stare at your rear end every chance I get.

6) What we say: I know weÕve just met, but I feel like IÕve known you for a long time.
What they hear: Please go to bed with me!

7) What we say: I love you.
What they hear: I love me.

8) What we say: You can trust me.
What they hear: Look what a great liar I am.

9) What we say: IÕve never met anyone quite like you before.
What they hear: In six months, I can have you trained to act just like my ex-lover, who is a much better person than you.

10) What we say: ItÕs been a long time since IÕve met someone as special as you.
What they hear: IÕve been going out with some seriously dull people lately.

11) What we say: I feel so lucky to be with you tonight.
What they hear: I feel so lucky that one of my tired pick-up lines finally worked.

12) What we say: I love you.
What they hear: You love me.

13) What we say: IÕm divorced.
What they hear: If you marry me, I will divorce you and make you suffer like no one has ever suffered before.

14) What we say: I like to work out and stay in shape.
What they hear: I like my body much better than yours.

15) What we say: What sports do you like?
What they hear: IÕd like to see your rear end in spandex.

16) What we say: I love you.
What they hear: I am weak and needy.

17) What we say: I donÕt watch much television.
What they hear: IÕm testing you to prove that IÕm intellectually superior to you.

18) What we say: Mine is the BMW.
What they hear: I have so much money that you should be thrilled to sleep with me.

19) What we say: My last lover was kind of inhibited.
What they hear: I am a raving sex pervert.

20) What we say: Would you like to go out for dinner and a movie tonight?
What they hear: Would you like to have brief, superficial sex very late tonight, and then have me get dressed as fast as I can, rush home, and not call you for six weeks?

21) What we say: Your past doesnÕt bother me.
What they hear: ItÕs obvious that you used to be an amoral user, but I am so wonderful that my presence alone will change you into a totally giving human being.

22) What we say: I like it when you smile.
What they hear: Why are you always in such a bad mood?

23) What we say: I think youÕre very intelligent.
What they hear: YouÕre smart enough to agree with me as often as possible.

24) What we say: I love you.
What they hear: You are weak and needy.

25) What we say: What restaurants around here have a good salad bar?
What they hear: YouÕre fat.

26) What we say: LetÕs just spend a quiet evening alone together.
What they hear: IÕm extremely bored with your friends and the places you like to go and the things you like to do.

27) What we say: LetÕs go out with some friends tonight.
What they hear: The thought of spending the evening alone with you terrorizes me with boredom.

28) What we say: IÕll pick you up at seven oÕclock.
What they hear: IÕll probably pick you up by eight oÕclock if I havenÕt met anyone I like better than you by then.

29) What we say: IÕd love to take you for a long walk deep in the woods where we can be alone together in the beauty of nature.
What they hear: IÕm ashamed to be seen in public with you.

30) What we say: Oh, god, youÕre wonderful!
What they hear: YouÕre almost as good as my last lover, but you still need a lot of work.

31) What we say: Did you change your hairstyle, honey?
What they hear: Why the hell did you let someone mutilate you like that, you idiot?

32) What we say: What do you think of my new haircut, honey?
What they hear: Right now, give me 247 compliments, each one more lavish than the one before.

33) What we say: YouÕre the best lover IÕve ever had.
What they hear: YouÕll believe anything I tell you.

34) What we say: IÕm sorry, but I have to work this weekend.
What they hear: IÕd rather spend the weekend doing anything other than seeing you.

35) What we say: I really care about you, but my career is very important to me.
What they hear: The work I do to make enough money to buy toilet paper is more important to me than you are.

36) What we say: I promise IÕll never leave you.
What they hear: IÕm about to be arrested for insider trading.

37) What we say: Can I help you with that?
What they hear: I am so much smarter and more talented than you, so IÕd better do that or you will screw it up beyond repair.

38) What we say: I think youÕre a great cook, but IÕd like to take you out for a nice dinner tonight.
What they hear: You canÕt even fry spam without an instruction booklet.

39) What we say: YouÕre an extremely nice person.
What they hear: You certainly are a boring blob of nothingness, arenÕt you?

40) What we say: IÕm extremely fond of you.
What they hear: Try to have a serious relationship with me and IÕll be on the next plane to Portugal.

41) What we say: YouÕre the best friend IÕve ever had.
What they hear: I wouldnÕt sleep with you if you begged me to.

42) What we say: IÕm afraid things just arenÕt working out between us.
What they hear: IÕm dumping you now, and IÕm going to degrade you with tons of pity while IÕm doing it.

43) What we say: We both tried, but I guess weÕre just not right for each other.
What they hear: ItÕs all your fault.

44) What we say: IÕm really sorry that I hurt your feelings.
What they hear: You now have my permission to stop complaining and acting like such a baby.

45) What we say: I love you.
What they hear: I own you.

46) What we say: Of course IÕm listening to you.
What they hear: If I donÕt tell you that IÕm listening to you, youÕll get really mad at me, but the truth is that everything you say is so incredibly dull that I can feel the life-blood slipping out of me with every word you speak.

47) What we say: IÕm not sure that I understand what youÕre trying to say.
What they hear: YouÕre ranting again.

48) What we say: IÕm not sure that you understand what IÕm trying to say.
What they hear: YouÕre stupid.

49) What we say: How about if you wait for me to call you?
What they hear: My lawyer is filing the restraining order tomorrow.

50) What we say: I donÕt know whether or not any one human being can fully satisfy all the needs of any other human being.
What they hear: IÕm already dating someone else.

Do some of these sound familiar? If youÕve been in a relationship for any amount of time at all, youÕve undoubtedly been in these situations. And perhaps youÕve been the one doing the misunderstanding, on the lookout for a prowler, as often as youÕve been the one who gets misunderstood.

But we do have an advantage over the single-minded cat in LarsonÕs insightful cartoon. The catÕs understanding is limited by its biological need for food. Our misunderstanding stems from our psychological need to understand and be understood. We arenÕt bound to listen simply for ÒfoodÓ; we can lift our noses from the food dish and experience the satisfaction of hearing someone who cares for us saying, Ògood kitty!Ó