Who Would Win In A Fight... Samurais or Knights This fight is quite peculiar. Both are very alike in many ways. They both ride horses, they both use swords, and I’m pretty sure they both get all the honeys they want. However, there is one thing that the Samurais know that the knights don’t. Samurais know karate, and therefore, they will lose in a fight. I once took karate. Hell I even got a black belt in it. I never won and never got in a fight afterwards. And I’m pretty sure that if I did get in a fight, I would be too embarrassed to use karate. Vikings or Indians Well Indians have bows and arrows and Vikings use big swords and axes. Indians wear face paint and fur, but Vikings wear silly hats and fur. It’s a tough choice but an obvious one on who would win: the Indians. Here’s why. The Indians are a young baseball team right now and have won championships in their past (C.C. Sabathia is one of the most underrated pitchers in the game today. I mean, seriously, he really is). The Vikings are more embarrassing than the Buffalo Bills when it comes to the Super Bowl, and I’ve never been a fan of Randy Moss either, so they would lose. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones The Beatles are too prissy while the Stones look like old drag queens. But since the fact is that they both would have been nothing without America, Elvis would win. Superman or Batman Yes, I know there are more Superman fans than Batman fans in the world, and guess what, he would win in a fight between the two. However, if Superman had his super powers taken away and Batman had his taken from him, there would be no contest, Batman would win. As a matter of fact, if all superheroes had their powers stricken, Batman could beat all of them. The reason here is that Batman doesn’t really have any powers at all. He’s naturally strong and smart, and because of that, the best of all superheroes. However, if Batman is George Clooney, or Val Kilmer, or anyone besides Michael Keaton, he shall lose. George Washington or Abe Lincoln Finally, it looks like we got a fight. The first leader of the free world, versus the freer of the slaves. Although it looks like quite a duel, it really isn’t. Just think for a second of who they beat in their prime. Abe fought and beat millions of pissed off rednecks. George just beat some red-shirted Brits. And the fact that George needed the French’s help doesn’t give him any extra credibility either. Abe would demolish Washington. And, as a matter of fact, I would put money on Abe against any president. Cats or Dogs This one has been debated for hundreds of years. I myself am a dog person, so I would hope they win. But it would be a tough fight; cats have claws and can cough off hairballs, and that would gross me out in a fight. However, I am no dog, and dogs sniff each other’s rears, so I’m pretty sure the whole hairball thing wouldn’t faze them one bit. But, when it comes down to it, dogs would win, solely on the fact that they boss us around. When they’re being walked, who’s leading who? Do they pick up after us when we take a shit? I don’t think so; we’re the ones doing the dirty work. Plus, we humans love dogs so much and act so dumb when we’re with one. Oh yes we do. Oh yes oh yes we do. Who loves the little doggies, we love the little doggies. Shampoo or Conditioner Shampoo Coffee or Tea As much as I love tea, I have to admit, that coffee is much stronger than tea. It gets people jittery, hyped up, and so nervous that a seventh cup is necessary sometimes. Besides that, it makes people rush to the nearest bathroom stall once it hits their lips. It stuns growth, is highly addictive, and puts fear in all. That being said, it’s too damn evil to win in a fight. Bad guys are never supposed to win fights and they never do. Tea is just so nice and sweet. It’s like the underdog that you want to root for, even if you have a coffee mug in hand. How nice is tea? When you’re sick, you do not turn for coffee for a cure. Nay, you look for the blessing of tea. People who live into their hundreds are quoted as to have drunk a cup of tea a day. How long do you expect to live with the coffee you so desperately crave for? “But tea doesn’t give me the energy and the rush I need in the morning”. If that is your claim, you should also know that tea has more caffeine than coffee. And as much as one might care to refute this next claim, tea tastes so much better than coffee does. I mean come on, you can put honey in tea, and that’s just sweet. The Three Musketeers or The Three Stooges Sure the musketeers can stab the stooges, no problem. But when was the last time you saw a stooge show a sign of pain, and then not recoup? Plus, as we all know, if one dares to hit Curly in the head with a metal object, that metal object is sure to bend. And when it comes to a choice of watching a Musketeer movie, or a Stooge show, you know what you would pick. Mr. Howard, Mr. Fine, and Mr. Howard, have become doctors, lawyers, they have defeated vicious crooks, ferocious animals, mad scientists, and even Hitler. And Hitler beat the French, and the Musketeers are French, so that just goes to show you even more of who would win. Man or Woman I fear that if I answer this in a certain way, I’m sure a time will arise in the future, when I will be with a lady, and she will make me regret my decision. Women will win. There, I said it. I’m getting some tonight! Paper or Plastic I don’t see any warnings about keeping paper away form children. Plastic wins this one in a blowout. Righties or Lefties It is a known “strange but true” fact that lefties have a shorter life span than righties. Therefore if they were to fight, a righty would just make that span shorter. You see, righties are just better at everything. It was always that wussy lefty in Mrs. Rosenfeld’s third grade class complaining that there were no left handed scissors, or when being taught how to write in cursive, a whole extra five minutes would be directed at him, teaching him how to position his paper. Ambidextrous people are cool with me, but lefties just annoy me. Besides the whole scissor thing, they always have to tell someone that they’re a lefty. If “Lefty” happens to be their nickname, they act like it’s the coolest nickname ever. But no, “Lunchbox” is clearly a better nickname. In fact, if the two nicknames were to fight, Lunchbox would probably kick Lefty’s ass. Lefties are ok, however, when it comes to baseball. Being a Yankee fan, I know the importance of having a lefty in the batting order, especially with that short porch in right field. Also, a lefty in the pitching rotation is extremely necessary. So in conclusion, righties beat lefties in everything. Lunchbox or Lefty Lunchbox kicks Lefty’s ass. (Ha! See I told you so) Canada or Mexico Ah, here we have probably one of the most interesting clashes in the list. Our fair country separates these two formidable enemies from warring and I’m sure if we weren’t here, millions would have died. This truly is a tough choice. To decide, I must compare and base my judgment on certain things. Here we go. Easier language: Mexico. “But Andrew, Canadians speak English. Isn’t that easier?” True. It is. But they also speak French, and two languages is a lot harder than one. Chalk one up for Mexico. Better flag: Mexico. Easy decision here. Mexico has an eagle on their flag. How cool is that! Arriba! Better food: Mexico. Have you ever heard of a Canadian restaurant? Didn’t think so. Ole! More intimidating accent: Mexico. Albeit, Canada does has a tough accent, ey. When you think aboot it, Canadians can scare you in a conversation, ey. There’s all this talk aboot how funny the Canadian accent is, ey, but it’s really only aboot as funny as Brian Adams’ career, ey. Numero quarto. Tougher music: Mexico. Hell, Selena took a bullet. Now if only Brian Adams would do the same. Gooaalll! With all that taken into consideration, there’s no chance in hell Mexico could ever beat Canada in a fight, cause it’s still Mexico. Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. No I will not. Drunks or Stoners Hmm, let’s see. We all know that potheads don’t fight, hell, they don’t even argue about anything. And we also know that drunks love to talk about fights but never get into any. Drunks are more reckless with their surroundings, while stoners are more oblivious to their surroundings. Both groups hate the government, while the government is made up of both groups (can you say Ted Kennedy?). There are probably just as many famous drunks as there are stoners, so I’m gonna have to call this one a draw.
Copyright © 2004 Andrew Panos |