Natalia's Drugs Hello, my name is Natalia and im a goth, im 5 foot 4 with green eyes and black hair, I was born in England and raised in England, I would wear 2 different outfits each day, black shirt with a black skirt and black knee high boots, with fifteen chains on my arms, or I would wear black wool skirt and black sweater with short sleeves, I guess you can say I'm the girl only to talk to my self, and only my self and nobody else, I dont like being the center of attention, I also hate making friends and I hate being around people. I only feel comfortable in the corner or by a wall, or under a table or somewhere where its deserted. Im seventeen years old, and the only child. I like witch craft, needles, the devil, tattoos, piercings, gore,corpse, graveyards, and goth poetry, I take all kinds of drugs. My mum died when I was a little girl, I guess you can say at the age of five. My dad ran away with a street hooker, I guess he became her pimp and he sold her on the streets each day, so I ran away to my grandma's, but she kept asking me where I really lived, and where dad and mum was, I didn't respond to her, I just looked down and wrote it on a piece of paper, then she said she was going to call the orphanage to take care of me, with a bunch of other people,since she didnt care for me, no one did, so I guess they took me away, so I stayed with the other kids with out families, we ate each day, but I didnt sit with any of the kids, I sat under the table eating my breakfast, while I wrote into my dark journal about how this place was pure torture, as if I was in hell. Well thats all about me, right now im sitting out in the grass on this ugly checkered blanket eating food from what they are serving us today, pig meat with potatoes, "aughh really nasty," I would say to myself and only myself. As I would scoop the food out into the grass and smash it with my foot, I look around to see if anyone is watching, but no one is there, I feel relieved, I would walk back into the orphanage handing over my food without responce, since i didnt like to make contact with the person, they would look at me with suspicion and think I have done something wrong, and for after two to three minutes they would take it away. Then I would back away slowly, turn around and run out the orphanage door, as i hear one of them calling back to me and saying "Hey you girl, where are you going, its story time, get back here at once!" but I wouldn't care or listen I would just run as quick as I can into the wood, as I run as fast as i could, i would on accident trip over a branch, and fall to my face, weak as I can be, I can't get up either, I would hear somebody following behind me but I can't move, every bone in my body is as numb as ice, I would open my eyes, everything seems so blurry, my vision has cut into two, I can't see a thing, I would try and get up but I would fall back down on to the ground, then I would see a big red scary face in front of me, I can quite describe the thing, it was red with horns, and big black beady eyes, it would appear right in front of my eyes. I would turn terrified, even if one part in my body would feel good, as though I like this thing in front of me, I look at him and I wouldn't say anything, I would just stare at him, as he would put out his long red horny hand, and ask me to take it, I would reach out and hold him, then my hand would burn so badly I would scream out "What in the Bloody Hell is wrong with your hand?" The thing would just laugh, as I would take my hand back, I would look at it, and red blood would pour out of skin, dripping badly it wont stop, I wouldn't cry but the pain turns to feel good, I would want more and more to get hurt, so this thing could read my mind exactly and it would give me a box of needles. I would take it from his hand quickly before the box would melt. I would nod as if I saying thank you to it, since I couldn't make real contact with it, he would pull me up again, and my arm would burn so badly again I couldn't help it, but I loved pain, it felt so good inside me. Then I would walk over to a tree and sit down next to it opening the box of needles, I would slowly take one out and start to poke my arms with it, it would feel so good, the gore would drop down on to my clothes, im kind of lucky it doesnt show the red stains since im wearing black, plus if it did they can think I have gotten my period, I dont think they would ask anyway. I would come out into the forest for three straight weeks poking my skin with needles, as I would look down at my arms, I would see millions of little holes poked in every place, especially my fingers, then I could see my arms shivering badly, I guess it wouldn't stop, but im not sure why not, so I would have to cover my arms so no one could see my arms. Then I would hear some rustling against the bushes, I would get up slowly to see who or what it is. So then I would see its just some boy, really homely looking, about my age, in the same style as iam, he would smile evily at me, then he would ask me if he could try to use some of my needles, I would back away as to trying to say no, but he would then show me his arms, they had holes all over them too, I would smile a little as if I was happy I wasn't alone, this is my first time smiling in my whole life, I guess he wouldn't talk much either, then me and him would hang around behind the tree every day poking holes into our skins and feeling good about it, then he would lift up his finger of blood and ask me to put my finger together with his, and he would say, "Try it, it feels good," I would feel wierd so I would do it. I guess its been two months with this kid, his names Jeremy, thats what he would tell me, but I would write my name in the dirt, and he would nod and and then say he was falling in love with me, I wouldn't really know how to act in that situation, I dont like to be loved, or I dont know what love really is, I would go back to the orphanage, and take a shower, as i would undress my whole body would be covered in holes, painful holes that make me feel good, but make me look bad. As I would rinse out my hair in the shower, my hair would start to fall out, I wouldn't know what was going on but I would sob softly to myself. A month later I would go bald, I would have to wear a hat when I walk through the orphanage hall and outside to the forest back to see Jeremy and poke myself with needles some more, he would then take the hat off my head and see that I have gone bald, he would look at me startled, and pull off his hat and show me that he has gone bald too, I guess this only happens to people that have done bad to themselves, then he would hold my hand and kiss me, I would back away from him and run away never to see him again, I would sit in my orphanage room alone with out food or anything, I would be curled up into my bed alone and shivering with pain, I would have dreams about some evil things going on in my mind, it wouldn't stop because it would just keep going on and on, as if it had a meaning to it. But I didn't know what was going on, I would just smily softly and laugh it away saying it was nothing. Three months later, I would still be in my room, I would walk slowly to the bathroom and see black circles around my eyes and i would look pale as a ghost, my arms have gotten bonier, and my holes would have turned into bruises as if I got hit a million times. I would stop and then I would see this red thing I have seen before I was feeling bad, he would give me more boxes of needles, and I would try and stop myself but I couldn't and if I told anyone they would think im Hallucinating, they would all think I need to be in a mental hospital. I would turn so depressed I couldn't stop myself so I would poke myself some more and to see if I can make myself feel good again, but I couldn't I would start to talk to myself slowly. I would get dressed back into my black clothes and a woman would open the door to my room and she would hand me a note, it was from jeremy's parents, I would open it slowly as the woman would leave my room I would close the door and read the note, It said that Jeremy had gotten weak day after day, his parents had found out he was drugging himself with needles, and as Jeremy had gotten weaker he passed away. I would feel kind of bad for him deep down inside, I guess this is whats happening to me now too. But I didn't want to die, even if I liked all the dark stuff and corpse, my greatest fear was dying, I didnt want to die, I was too afraid of it, I was so scared that I couldn't. I had no choice, I had to tell some body, about my disease, or I would die. I had no where else to turn to, I would poke myself one more time, but I wouldn't see any blood, I guess I have spent all of my blood, I can feel myself shaking again, I would try to stop and I would start to sob, I couldn't take this pain anymore, so I ran down the stairs and to the nurse in the orphanage, she would ask me what I wanted and I would start to undress and cry, the nurse would look at me in horror and check me, she would ask me how I had done this to myself, I would show her the box of needles, then she would call the ambulance as they would take me away into a hospital. I would start to beat up on the nurses and doctors until they couldn't stand to keep me in this hospital, so now it was time to take me to the nut house, those rooms with the white cellers and put a jump white suit on me and they tie you up to the bed and give you medicine with needles and shots to make you fall asleep. They said I had to stay in it my whole life, or when I had gotten better. They could hear me sing to myself every night, people would watch me, then I would do these weird things to myself. I guess I would talk to myself and I would want the urge so bad to take the needles again, i would scream so loud, and I knew I coudn't I would wonder where the devil would be to give me them, but the only reason I would see him was because I was getting sick, I always was sick and it was only in my mind. It's been years since Iam in the nut house, Im twenty seven years old now, im getting better and im still in there, I dont know when I'm going to get out, they said as soon as I get better but Im not sure if that was only a lie to make me respond and get better, and to listen. But i've been here for eleven years now, I guess you can say I have realized all about pain and my troubles. I understand now, because Im a grown woman now, pain isnt worth it, taking needles and drugging myself isnt worth it either, it only gets you into trouble and it only makes you feel good because your brain's cells need the drugs to make you feel good, or else what would you do about it? Its not going to make you feel healthy, or good about yourself, its only going to make you weak and make you look real bad, you can eventually get sick and die, but I was lucky I didn't die, because if I did then I would miss out on life, just like I'm missing out on it now, it was a big mistake to take drugs before and needles at the age of seventeen, see poor jeremy hasn't told anyone about it like I have, I guess he didn't care about life, he was looking forward to dying, hes the one that wanted to take me with him, but I was smart enough to back away without responce like I always do. I guess i'm just scared of people. I'm not sure about Jeremy, but he got what he wanted, and I got what I wanted, its better to live in a nut house then to die, an see that nothing is left of you anymore. In the nut house I see people like me, who were like me eleven years ago. But I'll try and keep up to get better, if I ever get out, but for now im going to try and make positive choices in life, good bye.
Copyright © 2000 Rose Trimovski |