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Short Stories Reviews |
No Name by Tamsin Butler (10) "I like this, it has a nice description to it but I think you may be trying too hard at points." -- T B, Reading, UK. "Thanks for that, and thanks to my sister for noticing the spelling mistakes, really appreciate it." -- Tamsin, Maidenhead, UK. "Ha ha - yeah right you're grateful! When are we going to get some more? I'm dying to know what'll happen (still one piDgeon on there)" -- Tamsins sister. "I like my pidgeons, ok so i can't spell. More will be coming shortly though :)" -- Tamsin, Maidenhead, UK. "Tamsin Consider this as a better 'hook'. Your own words : "My mind makes all kinds of monsters appear." Now that might have kick started something if it appeared as the first line. Didn't like the tense you used. It slows down the pace. Also watch out for switching from 1st person to 2nd. Question now. Is the boyfriend real in the story or somebody to rant against? You need a top and a bottom to this story to make it work.Go for more action and less telling the reader about internal thoughts.Consider the reason to go by train. To meet whom? To arrive where? To carry what? Get rid of the screamer as it isn't necessary. Keep the mood and internal voice but shorter sharper paragraphs can introduce pace. Bad marks for use of 'just'.Two inches above a table is 'just'. It is 'just' and right an innocent man does not go to jail. Consider removing 'just.'Also 'suddenly.' Hope this helps a bit. Cleveland W. Gibson Author of Moondust www.LauraHird.com showcase" -- Cleveland W. Gibson, Faringdon, Oxon, England. "Hey! I enjoyed reading your story. But, you can make it more enjoyable by improving your grammar. You might want to get your sister to be your editor to make you story or works more presentable. =]" -- Cherie, Yishun, Singapore. "i loved this piece of work, it was a fast pace which kept me reading and i was dying to know what happened at the end. When i got there i ws like "Wow". I anticipate more now however and the only problem (or maybe not a problem) is where are you going to go from here? It will be a good write if you can pull it off but if you are hesitant leave it at that. However i suggest you have that as your introduction and then start chapter one like a couple of years earlier. " -- john, gloucester, gloucestershire, great britain. "Thank you. I will get my sister to look at if she doesn't have better things to do, and I think i may need to continue it so thanks for the idea. I wasn't sure if the pace worked so thanks for the comment. ;)" -- Tamsin. "I believe that the mask of the killer should look like Craig's face. I do not believe that he would actually kill her. He had already taken so much from her. He didn't need to kill her. It would be better if she lived on, her misery a testimony to his perceived superiority." -- Gregory Allen, Mpls, MN , USA. "Thanks for the idea, there is more to come it's just taking me a while to write it. Thanks :)" -- Tamsin. Valentine,S Day by Janette Dejesus (2) "it start off ok with the description of the character but it has not got any punctuation. Too long sentances make it hard to read and there aren't any quotation marks. Please correct this then i will re read and give you more of a positive feedback on the story " -- john, gloucester, agloucestershire, great britian. "I'd say, this story is not well written though it has a god content. You might want to add in quotations. There are also grammatical and spelling errors. I should say that your command of language is not that strong. You might want to brush up your englih by looking at other's words. You have the ideas, just like you have the ingredients for cooking, but you do not know how to present your work just like you do not know how to cook and mix the ingredients well enough for people to taste and give positive feedback. " -- Cherie, Singapore. The Adoption by Janette Dejesus (2) "Please be advised that my grammer isnt all that good. But please if you could, try and read beyond that. And read the story's that await you inside." -- janette, woodbridge, va, usa. "l" -- janjan, va, wa, usa. Sally Part One by Gregory Allen (2) "Hi - since you reviewed my stuff I thought the least I could do is take a look. I was a little concerned at first as romance and 'girls' stories aren't my favourite (loved your First Alex novel) but it opened into a fantastically gripping opening chapter - when do we get more??" -- Briony. "Part two mostly done. Haven't worked on it for a while. I was a little concerned that it might be a little nasty. My peer reviewers (all women) assure me that it isn't as bad as I think." -- Gregory Allen. Alphabet by Tamsin Butler (3) "It strats off really nicely and became intriguing; I wanted to get to know her more, but I feel it becomes a bit hurried and you lose track of the story and focus more on the letters. It's a work in progress though and I believe it's got solid foundations! Keep it up! :)" -- Peter. "Thanks for the comment Peter I will try to focus more on the story, thanks for the encouragement. :)" -- Tamsin Butler. "I have to agree with other Peter! It is really well written up to about the last two sentences when it gathers speed and seems hurried, like it's written in the dying moments of an exam! Definitely keep working on it - I'll be back!! :)" -- Peter Halpin, London, UK. Ocular Dolor by Ouazan G Skilad (1) "Hey! Nice work and description. But, I didnt really understand what that meant, though. " -- Cherie, Singapore. Tom by Gregory Allen (6) "Ummmmm.....ok." -- JB, Oklahoma. "I would agree with your desription...Tom is a prick. Wonder though what motivated you to write this?" -- mattie. "Have you been living down my road?? I know a man that is Tom! Really well written and you can't help hating him." -- l Jay. "Tom's supposed to be a prick? Sounded pretty with-it to me!" -- thePratmeister, Adelaide, SA, Australia. "Liked the way this was written, I felt like I was actually in his mind a lot of the time. " -- Tamsin Butler. "Left me wanting to hear more about the prick." -- J-bird. The Last Song Of C S H (A Reprise) by Lawrence Peters (1) "Glad to see you're still writing GOF, Never stop. Your stories always make me smile. " -- LS. The Agent by Laurence L'abre (2) "This is good! (I'd like to see a follow-up, a sequel or prequel.) I gather it was your first attempt, and as such, it's good, a wee bit wordy, but it conveys the thoughts of the character well. It's set in an interresting world - I'd like to know more about it... " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "I liked the description. But I'd like to see the sequel of what happened. =]" -- Cherie, Singapore. Russian Roulette by Daniel Brown (4) "Nice story mate...good ending ....but what was the deal with the sister?" -- Jonathan, perth. "I thought was very good, i got a bit confused with who was who but that was probably my poor reading skills. I loved the bit at the end the final twist. Given it a 9. Nobody gets a 10. " -- john H pallister. "The setting is dramatic but at the end I seemed to have been left with many questions.Lots of internal logic questions need answers.More showing might help perhaps. Or a simpler 'set-up'." -- Cleveland W. Gibson. "Hey this is the author. I know my story is kind of confusing, so I'll clear a couple things up. And maybe I'll revise it and post the revised edition later. But anyways, the twist at the end is that Zach's sister hired the two cops to force them all to play a fake game of russian roulette, just to scare them. Like a prank. A happy birthday prank. Hope this helps." -- Daniel. Memorize by Griffin Lance Pool (1) "Was interesting Griffin, I liked it." -- Alvin. Memories Past by Alice W-M (1) "it is very creepy!...i like!! but i think there needs to be more written in each section because there isn't very much about one girl until it switches to the other, also the last line is very powerful :)" -- Beth, cambs, england. Kitty And The Mystery Of Loreta by Maya Eaddy (1) "I think that this story should be a bestseller in bookstores everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- maya. Jesus And The Woman by Jamie Fernandez (1) "A touching story. But the woman who has 3 kids didn't sound as motherly as it should be. You might want to improve on that. Keep up the good work. =]" -- Sherrie, Singapore. Child by Laurence L'abre (2) "Very nicely written. I like how you lure the reader to a conclusion. I also like how you acknowledge the innocent intent in the child's acts." -- Jill, Buckeye, Arizona, USA. "Well...I was laughing when i read the ending, nice ending. It is really a good one. Keep up the good work! =]" -- Cherie, Singapore. Black Shadow by Mousie (2) "Though it was interesting, I didnt really quite the ending. Does the black evil shadow mean something?" -- Alvin. "I liked the mix of dark and light, i wanted to know what happens next, does it get you? or do you get out? " -- Tamsin, Reading. The Wall by Upasana Datta (2) "Dear Upasana,you have a remarkable talent for describing things.I could definately picture the village and brook in my head because you described it so well.I can also tell that you are highly interlectual by your vocabulary and the descriptive words you used through out this story.But I feel you need to work on your punctuation,sentence and paragraph structure.I think it would be wise to by a book on the essentials of english because you definately have the potential of becoming a great writer.I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.Keep writing!" -- David Daniels. "Hi I like the village scene for this story and the descriptive portions.(I once lived in Calcutta) . However, you need to edit.Bring the subject ,the owner/builder of the wall into the plot right from the start. Chose a good hook.Tighten up on the use of helping verbs. You might consider this line: " He was a good man � Aswin Loda was." How do you feel he was a good man? What qualities did he display?The reader needs to know.Show those qualities. Best wishes " -- Cleveland W. Gibson, England. Red by Ouazan G Skilad (4) "Thank you for allowing me to read your story 'Red'. It's your first. Congratulations. The story is fine as it goes but what you may need to do is replace some of the dialogue with description. In the story there are brief mentions of other leads,other avenues get mentioned but not developed. Also what are the ages of the characters? How clever are they?And look for internal logic within your story. If a situation does not ring true it might be skipped over and you'd never know. 302 words are not many but it is possible to tighten up on your story. Consider your use of the word 'was'. You might make your writing more powerful by editing this word out in place. Look at your words 'He was starting' , why not 'he started' to crisp up your writing. In any short story or flash fiction there is a need to grab the attention in the first seven seconds. The 'hook' does that as it is the introduction to the story. Often a better catch phrase is found two thirds down. I looked for it. Here is what I found: " Legs don�t move after being amputated.� Now isn't that a beauty of a 'hook' to start a story. I hope you have found this review of some help. Help is what ever writer need, even me. Best wishes Cleveland W. Gibson author of moondust www.lauraHird.com showcase" -- Cleveland W. Gibson, Faringdon, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom. "too good for a first try!!" -- Upasana Datta, India. "Interesting story.I found it a little confusing at the end because it is a little unclear who's talking.I am a little unsure of just who got shot in the end as well,was it both? Is that what 'He's gone.So am I' means?Again,it was an interesting story considering how short it was." -- David Daniels. "the end IS confusing and that was the whole purpose. the guy in the story is schizo and much more confused than the reader. he shot himself. hope it helps.... G Ouazan (the writer of 'RED'." -- Ouazan G.. Ypres 1917 by Kimberly McGuinness (1) "I think the real story lies in the drama when the General gives an order to a British sniper to kill a German. Focus on this scene. The other parts detract and don't propel the theme of World War 1, the mud, etc forward.The intro is very confusing as there is too much telling. Best wishes" -- Cleveland W. Gibson. Tree Man by Robert Davis (1) "I've been experimenting with getting into the head of some strange characters myself, this is a nice way of working that kind of thing into a short story, I like it." -- Iain Spittles. The Walls Have Eyes And They Whisper by Jason P Neubauer (3) "Wow. It's really suspenseful. I was on the edge of my seat. If you're considering continuing this, please do! Best story so far on this website...on a scale of one to ten, I give it a fifty." -- Rachel. "This is a good horror, really well written. I'd have done what he did, and yelled! " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "Wow! That was totally awesome!!!!" -- Jordan. The Waiting Room by Julia Helen Livingston (3) "I thought it was great, i wanna know what happens next!!" -- shazzy, england. "i think your language is very good . the ending leaves you asking for more" -- Upasana Datta, ranchi, india. "The setting is great for drama. Now tighten up the story by removing 'helping verbs. Check your 'hook'; is 'was' needed? Don't water down your writing. Remove 'suddenly' and ' 'just'.They don't help the story. Best wishes " -- Cleveland W. Gibson. The Trouble With Immortality by Iain Spittles (2) " This is truly funny. I love your choice of names." -- CW. "I too, love your choice of names, and your introduction! A good story, and humorous... " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. The Gamble by Vera Marbrylouch (4) "What a beautiful story, I could see it all as I read it. I enjoyed it a lot" -- Talynn Kelly, Scotland. "This is a gorgeous story, my heart went out to the little girl and i thought it was a lovely thing for you to do that." -- Tamsin, Reading, UK. "a very heart warming story. i guess having children of your own makes it more so." -- Upasana Datta, India. "I enjoy your work. Your writing is such that I would like to read more. You know how to bring a person into the story, make them see the action, hear the people talk and feel their emotions. You could write a good novel if you wanted to." -- Ainajia. Its Alright by Gregory Allen (1) "Nice writing. A funny way to put the idea. Thumb up!" -- Alexei Ogorodov. Hottie Pursuit by Iain Spittles (6) "this was bloody hilarious! good job!!!!!!" -- km. "very, very funny!!" -- C.W.. "Nice to see that although you said you first wrote from negative points you can write so well in humour, very well contructed and written" -- Samara. "Thanks for the smile...this was really funny" -- mattie. "Very funny !" -- Alvin. "I loved this, like the man I was transfixed throughout, and I secretly wish my ass had the power hers has! :)" -- Tamsin Butler. Call Girl. by Tamsin Butler (7) "Really really liked this - really think that this genre suits you more so than the poetry! Keep writing!" -- Briony. "Thank you, i'm not sure if I am really cut out for writing." -- Tamsin. "I agree with the short story part. I like the ending of this, it wasn't what I was expecting. Are you going to develop it??" -- Jo Pittaway, Slough, England. "I like the twist in the tale!" -- Debbie, Auckland, New Zealand. "Very nice job with the spin. I enjoy stories that take me for a loop. Good job." -- April Griffin, Edmonton, Canada. "Thank you. I thought it was a bit predictable, so thank you!" -- Tamsin Butler. "Really liked the story and the twist at the end. " -- claire. Building The Outhouse by Caroline Woodson (6) " What a sweet memory. " -- AG, Oklahoma, USA. "That was amazingly sweet!" -- Kim. " This brought tears to my eyes. You truly write very well." -- F.G., Houston, USA. " What a truly lovely and touching story. And very well written." -- MS, Pennsylvania, USA. "This is a wonderful piece. Such a loving tribute to your dad. You write so well. " -- CJ, Iowa. "I am at a loss. I agree w/everyone, you write really well." -- MS, Washington. A Fallen Warrior by Byron Tuckett (1) "Heys! Can I send you an email regarding this short story? I would like to elaborate on some parts of the essay.=]" -- Cherie, Singapore, Singapore, Singapore. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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