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Short Stories Reviews |
The Squirrel And The Farmer by Matt Kornatz (4) "best story ever! this inspired me to become a writer!" -- Angela. "The grammer really need's work in this peace. Its not you're best Matt. Although this, story had been quickly revized and shortened before you got it published on StoryMania.com. " -- Matt Kornatz, IL. "Clever story." -- kathy, lombard, IL, USA. "Congratulations on being published! Interesting twist at the end." -- Karla. The Rain by Julia Sky (1) "I've always enjoyed stories that puts the protagonist back where they start, their view altered perhaps by what they've been through. Quite good, but let's be constructive: There are one or two places where I felt the rythm seemed to break, that could have been fixed by altering the word order or similar. I've often found reading the peice out aloud is the best way to find these little kinks so you can iron them out. " -- Murray Evans. Who Is The Hero? by Gregory J Christiano (3) "Great story! Being on the end of this sort of behaviour for 6+ years still hasnt shown me whether im a hero or not for doing the same thing, but i think your story is right. Great job and well written." -- Josh / Axey. "I was always told, "It takes a bigger man to walk away"" -- mattie. "Good story with a good ending,Well done." -- David D. White Thoughts by Natasha (1) "Good job R " -- Brett. Vicki's Comeback by Steven L Howard (3) "A beautiful, well written and powerful story, like you said well worth the time to read it. I won't lie that it made me cry, more than once. My love to you both, and thank you :)" -- Rebecca. "You know that I usually don't read long stories but this one was very pleasant and nice. I was able to do it at once and wanted to reach the end. Rebecca is right, it is beautiful and very moving. Glad you shared with us, Steve." -- Dri. "Thank you Dri and Thank you Rebecca. I am glad you liked it. " -- Steven L. Howard. The Conversation by Seth Allen (2) "Interesting twist at the end. While it is funny at times, the author sometimes pushes the sarcasm. Worth reading." -- C.E . Watts. "Not a bad piece of writing. As for its humor, there are too many other funny things going on in Massachusetts than this story. Not to mention your two great clowns by the names of Kerry and Kennedy. And who could overlook Barney Frank." -- Richard. Simply Black Or White by Gerald L Bosacker (1) "It's a cute little story but quite frankly, I think you spoiled it by spraying it with a lot of unnecessary descriptions and adjectives. It's almost like you are trying to impress the reader with your extensive vocabulary, which has little to do with making it a more interesting story. Sort of like a jazz musician trying to play every riff he ever learned in one song. Sorry, that's just my opinion. I would like to see a version of this story re-written without such "reaching and show-offy" word choices as miscreant, mismatchedry, oral motility, and the phrase "could divine what crime he committed." By the time the reader wades through all this non-essential matrix of vocabulary, he is too frustrated to appreciate the twist of the ending. " -- Richard. Shooting In Iraq by E Rocco Caldwell (3) "wow that was pretty powerful Rocco. Makes one think of what types of things ppl will do to survive. There is a killer in all of us, but for the majority of us we keep it in check because it is immoral, but in war, it's a whole different playing field and I dont think a lot of ppl outside of the war remember that. " -- km. "there's a fine line in war between killing and commiting murder...I believe our soldiers over there are following orders and finding themselves in situations they will have to live with the rest of their lives. There is a killer in all of us right or wrong...it still exist...I'm glad you enjoyed the write." -- e. rocco caldwell. "When you write fiction it's okay if the characters and geographical settings are general in nature. in that case, there is no burden on the writer to do any unusual or extensive research. However, when you write about war and specific locales and start to throw in phrases and terminology like "illegal killing" (if there is such an expression), and other inferences akin to military combat techniques etc., you have some responsibility to research what you write about unless you have experienced it yourself, as a member of a military combat unit. Aside from a credibility gap as to what portion of the story could be authentic, you obviously, not just in this piece, have strong feelings about how we should fight a war. To avoid the danger of killing innocent people in a war, we would need complete cooperation from the enemy to isolate their bad guys from the innocent civilians and not quite so bad guys, so that we would only kill the bad guys. And we need to make sure all the bad guys wear uniforms so we know who they are. Wars are not fought like that today, especially in the middle east. As far as saying there is a killer in all of us, I strongly disagree. People who don't believe in killing for any reason, should not be in the military. However, even people who oppose killing but believe the main purpose of the military is to defend and protect our country and our allies, to whom we have made committments, accept the fact that killing is a primary function of war. That will never change. As to the reasons why men fight wars. That's something to think about. " -- Richard. Pastoral by Oscar Felix Norton (1) "Having a very large vocabulary myself, I was suprised at how often I needed a dictionary when reading this piece. I do think it was a good story, but felt it would have been better if you had chosen to you use more common words. " -- mattie. Off The Top Shelf by Buxton (2) "Sounds too good to be true. Our world will never be this easy because of sin. You can reject that if you like, but the quicker you understand this concept, the easier life will be for you." -- Nick Marshburn. "Like I said it was a dream.... A world without sin can unfortunatly only be so. But thanks for the review." -- Buxton. My Last Night With Her by Rae (3) "Rae, you write beautifully. This was a sad tale and it even angered me that he was so cold and self important. But I reminded myself its only a story. It that which makes you such a talented writer. " -- km. "Damn. I don't know if I should be in awe or vomit... Damn... " -- Captain Crash. "It is good but not finished yet. It doesn't have context and it needs it. Please finish it." -- Christopher, Lake Oswego, Oregon, USA. Lost In A Forest Of Cornstalks by Steph G (1) "yee, once the futureheads writ a song they called "piece of c**p". take this as a slice of advice. ...kidding! verily, this wath the best piece of fiction i have ever read*. I especialy liked the bit where they got lost then they were found again. If i was too improve on this story, "eddie" would not of made it out of the cornfield. Perhaps, he should of met a talking cat who persuaded him to fall asleep before burning him? except, of course, the cat would have to be huge. I did not trust eddie. I expected more from him than to foolishly play in the cornfield. Then again, i'm well aware how much fun a corn field is in the "fall" (i think you mean "minter", here, which is what we call the "fall" in engelaend.) *or had read to me by me assistant, Bal Haal Thar Zam. " -- josh. Lenny's Last Jump! by Gregory J Christiano (1) "Good story Greg,I like a good crime story.Although i think you could've came up with a better name for the police besides 'coppers.'But I enjoyed it,it was well written.Check out my crime story called 'Tales of Tito'and tell me what you think." -- David Daniels. I Met Him For The Last Time by Avis (4) "Beautifully embodying the feeling of a young girl although to much emphasis is given on the �LOVING factor�. " -- Mariann Dsouza, Dubai, UAE, UAE. "Thats sweet, very beautiful, and i dont believe it is wasted on males either. Very passionate, well i believe so. Well done :)" -- Josh / Axey. "I dont understand this piece. It doesn't make any sense" -- Sarin. "Everything seems to be there, the anticipation, the preparation, the meeting and finally the hurting..Beautiful attempt.." -- Abu, Mumbai, Maharashtra, India. For What I'd Give by Josh Anderson (2) "I think this one was my favourite out of htem all although there was another i really liked. Great work, but i dont think you should end it there even if it takes you a while let us know where their paths take them..." -- Rebecca. "Thank you so much rebecca :), that means alot to me. Once again thank you so so very much." -- Josh / AxeY. Card Sharps by Gregory J Christiano (2) "Another good story,Greg, with a good surprise ending.Well done." -- David Daniels. "Interesting. My daughter found it when she googled name. Are you other room mate included in other essays?" -- Crine, Anaheim, CA. Butterflies by Kris Lemmonds (1) "Best work I have ever read!" -- Katie. At Death's Door by Nur Syafiqah A Jaaffar (8) "I would like for you to know that I was very impressed with your story. Although it was sad because of the outcome, I can't help to wonder if Cordelia was even aware as to how much she was loved by Mark. You made the reader to see and to feel Cordelia's pain and to see and feel Mark's love. Just wonderful. Keep it up." -- Patricia M, USA. "o no!she didn't...don't say it.better be euphemistic.great job,kid!" -- kennedy, delta state, nigeria. "Sad to say, yeah, she died, kennedy. Thanks for taking time to review my writing, Patricia and kennedy x))" -- Syafiqah. "It is very nice. very nice phrases used." -- Kasthuri senbagam, Singapore. "Superb poses. What a young budding writer Continue writing and kudos again... Those reading these comments, remember to read this superb story..." -- Nurun, Singapore. "I was impressed. It was perfect." -- cherie, Singapore. "Great job! you have an excellent vocabulary! This story was extremely detailed and anyone can see that you clearly have talent." -- Kiara Avalon. "This was great how do such knowledge for a twelve year. I have to say its sad." -- Jeanette . Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Denial, Acceptance. by Bradley Grimes (1) "Is this a friend of yours? Did this really happen? Sounds like some pretty bad news. Nothing is God's fault. Many of us made this mistake in the past. The good news for this individual is that God will forgive him if he asks." -- Nick Marshburn. A Warped Mind by Surge (2) "This is really cool. Sounds like a very bad dream. Excellent imagery and detail. I like your work." -- Nick Marshburn. "I never knew there was a Savannah, TN. I was raised in Georgia. I graduated from Georgia Southern University so I spent a lot of time in Savannah, GA." -- Nick Marshburn. A Shooting In Iraq---Part Two by E Rocco Caldwell (3) "What's the purpose of this story? Is it completed? If not, why post it? Are you so against the war in IRAQ that you feel the need to make up stories about war crimes and atrocities? Why don't you write a story about one of the guys who beheaded Amercans and other hostages. " -- Richard. "It's a story...what difference does it make? I write if I have an idea and I have one in this story about what exactly is a war crime. I'm not so sure if this character committed one. This is part two. I'm sorry you feel so strongly about people dying right or wrong but being beheaded or by rockets from the sky...people are dead just the same. I'm a Christian and believe in turning the other cheek...and that violence in the long run only leads to violence!" -- e. rocco caldwell. "Rocco, if you can't see any difference between people being beheaded and those killed by missiles or artillery, than you are a fucking idiot. I say that not emotionally, but with a serious doubt about your logic and sense of morality. Never having been in combat or even in the military for that matter, you are hardly qualified to formulate ideas about what constitutes a war crime. Your imagery is obviously copied from reports of a bias media and biased reporters who hate George Bush and don't believe we should have ever gone into Iraq. Apparently Muslims do not share your "turn the other cheek" belief." -- Richard. The Piece Of His Heart Left Behind by Steven L Howard (3) "I have one concern that I'd like comment on: How does it flow? The main character is reminiscing most of the story, so can you follow the flow of events so that the end is set up properly?" -- Steven L. Howard. "Hi Steve, It is brilliant, wonderful story told from the heart, make a super film. dont you dare stop writing, you will make it, I feel it in my bones,Will write to you over Christmas.I read it twice,wonderful.Yes it flows,cant fault it.Hope my tears dont blow my computer into orbit.FANTASTIC.Diana." -- Diana Venditti. "Thank you Diana. I'm glad you liked it. I look forward to hearing from you." -- Steven L. Howard. Ze Zen Ta (The Way Of The Thinking Fist) by E Rocco Caldwell (3) "VERY well written Rocco. Will there be more???" -- km. "Rocco, I loved the imagery of the scene between the protagonist and the Japanese man. I could feel and hear everything just as you created it, excellent. Bring it. Deb" -- D. G. Williford. "I'm just becoming familiar with your work, Rocco. This is very well done. I'm hoping you continue and develop this into the novel as you said in your title info. I'll be interested to read the rest :)" -- Steven Howard. Waking Up To Light by Jessica M Brown (1) "Very descriptive, and entertaining. Just a 'tad' repetitive in one spot. i enjoyed it and would return to read it again for enjoyment. I would like to see more of this author's stories! Thanks for a nice piece of work!" -- J. Young, Halls, Tennessee, USA. Us And The Monkeys by Afreena Rahman (3) "Enough is too much baby. Just chillllton dude...whats goin on between u and the monkeys?? i dont like this monkey business!! plz reply asap..." -- Maaz, Dubai. "hey thanks a lot...no seriously...thanks alot... - A.Rahman" -- Afreena. "wat the hell was tat ?? i spent 15 whole minutes readin TAT ?? hehe...jus kiddin dude...altough i dont no wat the hell u were thinkin wen u rote tat, i jus wanna say " Jus Chilltonnn dude... enjoy urself and stop screwin over the monkeys in Madras!!" anywayzz , im still gonna give u a 10 on 10 ..... Tats the Shittt !!!" -- Ebrahim , Sharjah, UAE. Too Hard A Promise by Steven L Howard (9) "My new friends here. I hope you will give me some good hard comment on this one. I have really had trouble taking it from a "short novel" to a short story. Can you tell me: Do I start it in the right place? Does it work as a short story having two distinct parts like it does? What do you think?" -- Steven Howard. "One more question: I thought long and hard about whether it worked to not name the characters as I have done. What do you think? Is it good as it is? or do they need names?" -- Steven Howard. "I'm sitting here at work and I'm actually in tears. Trying to hide the fact that my face is red now from fighting how this made me feel. It was extremely well written. It was well worded and had such feeling and depth. They dont need names because this could be any of us when someone that we love is leaving. I loved it! And I would love to read the rest." -- KM. "A well-written piece Steven. Very few spelling and grammatical errors, not even worth mentioning. I would suggest combing out a few unnecessary qualifiers such as "stomped forcefully". Simply "stomped" would be equally effective. I think it is interesting that you've made the attempt to take this story from a much longer piece and contract it to a short story. It is typically a writer's compulsion to take a short story and make it a longer piece, say novella or novel length, so seeing someone reduce the story should be applauded, though a writer must always be aware if he or she is going to lose something vital in that reduction. I think you made an interesting start. It begins almost as though it were heavily influenced by poetic verse, but the point of the story comes across clearly and it opens close to the first action of the story, the domestic conflict, so it is a good place to begin. I wouldn't open the story any later than that and use the domestic conflict as something remembered by your protagonist rather than experienced on the page because then the story would lose part of its character-building conflict. So, I'd suggest leaving the beginning as it is. As for naming or not naming characters, you need to think of a name as simply being an identifier of that character. I've seen many a successful story where the characters are just listed as Mother, Father, Boy etc., but it only works when each character has a unique identifier in place of a name, such as how they look or act. So the use or lack thereof of names can work in a story, but if it is a fuller story with several characters I'd suggest against not using names so as to avoid confusion about who is doing or saying what. " -- Jerry St. George. "Thank you KM. I appreciate hearing that. Now that I hear your input about the names I really think it does work better to not name them. Jerry, Thank you very much for the specific feedback. I have gone through it again looking for the mechanical things you pointed out. I may need to do that taks again, but I have found a few things that could be clarified, or combed out. I think your suggestion on the "stomped" line actually improves the emphasis. My favorite beginning line of all literary works was "Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly". So poetic, and such a perfect lead in to the story. I often look at that as the standard when I am looking for a first line to effectively introduce a story. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the beginning." -- Steven Howard. "Hi Steve, took my breath away,It is beautiful, a very fine piece of writing,You are pure magic,I dont think names matter at all, Jerry do you always have to be mables in mouth, you know its good, GIVE UNTO CAESAR THAT WHICH IS CAESARS. BRILLIANT.D" -- Diana Venditti. "Thank you Diana. Your opinion means a lot to me." -- Steven L. Howard. "yum." -- josh. "Excellent!" -- Avis, Mumbai, India. The Abduction Of Sammy Lee by Mark A Stuart (1) "After reading "The Abduction of Sammy Lee", I went back and read everything you have submitted. I must admit, I was suspicious that "Sammy Lee" was a fluke, a one-shot deal, and that the other submissions would be more typical of a neophyte writer. Well, I'm delighted to find that your style is true, honest and dependable. It permeates not only the harrowing tale of Sammy Lee's disappearance, but also fills your other writing with hot Georgia sunshine. I swept from one offering to the next with growing respect and enjoyment. Mark, I want to thank you for bringing us characters like CB and Head and Tiger -- in my brief encounters with these gentle people, I feel like I've gotten to know my fellow Americans just a little deeper, a little better. Rest assured I will be first in line to read whatever else you choose to submit. I'm a besotted fan!" -- Eileen C. Knoud, Neptune City, NJ, USA. Star Lights by Patricia Waldrop (2) "i am 43.not married.no drink.no smoke.sportman.high 175cm.wight 82kg.marketting man" -- nader yegane nassiri, tehran, tehran, iran. Slow Down by Jack M Brown (1) "Interesting story - really liked the 'to the point' style of it - the last part caught me a little by surprise - I didn't expect it to end so suddenly...there is something eerie in the way he sees the world end....good work! and oh! try to review some of my work when u can! ;)" -- Afreena Rahman. She Dances Down By The River by Susan Brassfield Cogan (3) "intense and well written...this held me and the descriptions were marvelous. I truly enjoy your work, Susan. I hope there's more but even if there isn't I know what happened and why! Now that's great writing!" -- e.rocco caldwell. "all in all a great read and the surrounding setup was excellent. Some descriptions could be tweaked and adjectives changed, but it held me to the end and the title was very appealing. Good job. " -- D. G. Williford. "Great writing, I found I was holding my breath.D" -- Diana Venditti. Shattered Reflection by Josh Anderson (3) "Sorry it took me so long to get around to reviewing this one. This one is my favourite out of the three u have published on here but they are all very well written and impacting in storyline, good work :):)" -- Rebecca. "Thanks A whole lot bec :), These stories have taken me quite a while to compose and they mean a lot to me. Thanks! ;)" -- Josh / AxeY. "hey i agree with bec i like this one. you can tell these stories mean alot to you , i cant concieve how you can com up with this stuff josh , but you're bloody brilliant - and it hits home, these are real people , damn you and your genius!! " -- mika. Poltergeist Inc. Part One by E Rocco Caldwell (1) "Rocco. It is a good beginning to a story. However; there are a few sentences that need a little structural work. Sentences like "His suit unaffected by the intense BTUs but his soul was absorbed by the light leaving only his empty burnt human shell." There are a few examples of sentences like this. Aside from these few spots, the writing is good. As I said, it looks like a very good beginning to your story." -- Steven L. Howard. Next Time Father... by Josh Anderson (2) "Very good, but to me not as good as the others, but it was still great...waiting to see how this will all end :) in love or chaos, or maybe both..." -- Rebecca. "Yeah, i know. This one stinks compared to the others, there was too much to sort of explain in it. And you'll just have to sit tight, coz i dont even know yet. lol :)" -- Josh / AxeY. Lost Christmas by Abbie Angel (1) "Hi, very very sad,hope its not you. it came over very well.good writing.Take care,D" -- Diana Venditti. Look Of Death by Josh Anderson (1) "wow is this a possible to a horror or mystery. what a plot." -- J. Grake And Blues by Jack M Brown (1) "This was a nice little story and a different take on wizards and demons. It's also interesting how you presented that the Adam and Eve story would just go on in cycles. Pretty good work here. Nice descriptions and great action to be had throughout. Keep up the magnificence." -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI. Fever by Angelique Armstrong (2) "Angelique, I liked your story very much. I am an editor for an online horror ezine called The Lightning Journal. I would be very interested in publishing this piece for our debut issue coming out in May. The story needs a little work, but you have a lot of talent. Check out the site and email me at [email protected] or [email protected]. Thanks for the good read. http://www.thelightningjournal.com Mark E. Deloy" -- Mark E. Deloy. "Wow, this was a very well done piece. You had such fabulous descriptions throughout. Seems like it could be made into a longer piece, almost doomsday-ish. Keep up the magnificence." -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI. Dying by Mark A Stuart (1) "I am trying to see how you receive feedback on this thing" -- Mark Stuart. Dying For A Memory by Abbie Angel (2) "Very thought provoking. I am assuming it is non-fiction. Very good." -- Steven L. Howard. "Good work, i liked it alot, but considering that you are one of many who's writing deals with their life it is extremely sad. hold on for that special moment that will make all the suffering worth while, god knows i am and so many others. love and regards" -- Rebecca. Driving Miss Rachel by Mark A Stuart (1) "Very good, nicely witty, simply clever. " -- Murray Evans. And The Light Returns !!! �� by Partha Pratim Majumder (2) "An original story of depth. God is made the hero falling in line with a ragpicker , whose head is held high in values that melts down in the heat of money. Very good storyline. Congrats. " -- Sarah Norton, London, Uk. "Good story/ Well made plot. " -- Nikhil Raman, Bangalore , India. An Unexpected Visitor by Chad Alan Madson (1) "Very good work, It did not seem to flow evenly though. Of course it could be my synthesizer. Would love to read anything else you have written." -- Shawn L. Djernes , Omaha, NE, U.S.A.. The Dance Of A Lifetime by Courteney L Davison (5) "This story is very well written. The choice of words truly captivates the exciting moment. I felt anxious with the writer to hear if she had won the contest. I even felt like I was one of the contestants." -- Alicia Aldrich. "This short story keeps you interested by the anologies that were picked to describe the anxiety. Though I really believe that it could have been extended a little longer. Either way it was a great story because, I myself am a dancer. -Roxanne Baeza" -- Roxanne Baeza, Chicago, IL, USA. "It was a very well picked topic and i enjoyed how it started right at the moment of the climax. it was very exciting because of good word choice. it takes me back to my dance team days where the anticipation was really nerve wrecking and you definetly get really scared when you think you've either lost the competition or won first." -- Eleni de Botton, chicago, IL, USA. ""This story really made the intense feelings that the dancers were experiencing come alive. I enjoyed the feeling of excitement that was involved with reading it. As a dancer, I felt that she depicted the emotions very accurately. This was a well written story and I enjoyed it." " -- Margaret Coughlin, Chicago, IL, USA. "A nice story about a contest and the anxiety one feels while waiting for the outcome.Why don't you write more stories?" -- David Daniels. Seymours Christmas Wish by Amber A Whitman (3) "Hi, I have just fallen in love......with .....Seymour, lovely little story, would be great to have next episode??Diana Venditti" -- Diana Venditti, Italy. "I really liked this story. It is very sweet. The details are great, they really make the story come alive." -- Elizabeth Madonna. "I think this is a cute story. Good descriptions and detail, and nicely put together to create a wholesome story and character. " -- Jennifer Colfer, Chicago, IL, United States. Mfoam by Diablo Hate (1) "Well, i feel that you have something going here. The thing i am seein the most is that your sentences seem to go on longer than needed, and that you hardly use any punctuation. You need to use quotation marks when people are talking as well. You use the names "Allen" and "Bryan" a lot, it is quite repetitive and tedious. You can use pronouns in some cases, it is acceptable and will not confuse the reader. You also need to have a clear purpose or meaning to the story. It was interesting to say the least, but i did not see the purpose and to be honest was confused about the whole thing. If you improved your grammer, it might make it easier. Also some background into the "killer" would help. It needs some organization and sentence structure work. Overall, okay job" -- Anne P, United States. Dad's Christmas Tree by Ruby Alexandra Beloz (2) "I think that it is really good, but it kinda of chops off right in the middle. It's like you are going on and on about this tree and how happy it made you feel because of the times, but i don't think as much detail about the times needs to be in there. For example, only explain a little about how the war was going on and that people were protesting. It seems that when you start to talk about that it is suddenly the focus of your story." -- Ashley, Evergreen Park, IL, 60805. "i think that this story is very sentimental and important to this woman. it reminds her of her childhood and we all have those memories and this is just one of many. i think that the story was good and interesting but it was very choppy. it jumped from one idea to the next and didnt flow. it also was more deep then just a fictional story. it had history in it too. probably alot of people could relate because they also know what it was like to grow up in that time period." -- Caitlin, chicago, IL. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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