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Short Stories - Reviews |
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Short Stories Reviews |
The Bear by Keri McGriff (1) "This story sounds familiar, but with punctation errors. Mistakes are allowed in life, much like wine to a wino. "The Bear" is really your father, isn't it?" -- Elias Thompson, Ward, CO, US of A. The Deluded Youth by Michael Harris (3) "Hello everyone! This, I feel, is my best short story and I would really like to hear the opinions of others on it. Thank you." -- Michael. "An exceptionally professional work of art. Well-written with excellent descriptions. Proves an immense understanding of modern culture and its characteristics. Definately your best work so far. Had me sitting at the edge of my seat throughout the whole story. EXTREMELY GOOD JOB!" -- Joe Pena. "Sorry for the delay, Ive been bust latley. Here goes: I agree with the previous reviewer, it is not clche at all, and that is right up my alley. Very well written, good dialoug, great discription, and just plain true and realistic. Just....Reality. Good job!" -- Collins. Tangled Berry Bushes by E Rocco Caldwell (3) "This was good- reminded me of The TellTale Heart by Poe. I will try to work my way down your long list!!! Good writing!" -- Jenn H.. "thank you, Jenn" -- e. rocco caldwell. "Wow! I really liked that. Incredible. It was very much like Edgar Allen Poe, the same sort of style. I love that you didn't use any dialogue, it made the story so much more mysterious. Very descriptive and well done. Thank you for reviewing my story, and so I felt like I should do the same for you. Excellent! Keep on writing my friend. That's great. " -- Christina Aspears. Different Paths by William S Patten (1) "For a first time subission, I see some real potential. Some beautiful imagery, I can see you put a lot of effort into that. Some awkward wording in places, and some difficulty with agreement. (Nothing Strunk & White's Style Guide couldn't help.) A little prosaic at times, but a nice effort." -- wynfair. Where Chaos Reigns (Page Uno) by Wolfa (2) "It was an interesting opening... though it's hard to judge the story with only the intro. I just had some minor suggestions: 1. I think a better first line would have been 'Amanda had never been left alone before' as it gives more intrigue. 2. The second sentence mentions the girl's name again; if you leave the format as it is, I think it should read as 'She...' rather than 'Amanda...' 3. There is a slight problem with punctuation in these series of sentences: 'Her father was at work, her dog Boomer was at the vet�s recovering from a minor surgery. There was a problem with the house mechanical systems and technicians were inside fixing them, with her mother nervously supervising.' For instance, 'Her father was at work' is a complete sentence so should either be punctuated with a period or a semi-colon. Thanks for letting me read it!" -- offpill. "Oh my god! Something resembling an actual review, a second there I thought it was the Writer's BBS. Hi there I'm Rainbow Eater, good work here, just recently I became aware of the BBS from a girl named Michelle who was actually bad-mounthing it of all things, and learned that its really sweat, I also so your name there too so I decided to check out you're work at both. I've decided to swtitch form this sight to that one, because I know this BBS will help me so much in my spelling and grammar. I hope you agree and may even help me shold we enconter each other there. Hope to see you again." -- Rainbow Eater. The Silver Ride by Timothy Houlihan (2) "Interesting, but try eliminating some of those AND's. They like to drive me nuts by taking away from the effectiveness of the story. (For Instance: At night we lie in our beds and jerk at the sudden street sounds and the alley sounds, and the sounds above us, and the sounds below us, and behind us and in front of us and the sounds from the places we can�t know about.) Break it into a few sentences or put commas in stead of AND all the time." -- Brenda, Eclectic, Al, USA. "Very erotic and I like the twist at the end." -- Terasee Morris, Uvalde, TX, USA. The Line by Ezh Mimsyboro (3) "Very well written...I want to know what happens next." -- Michelle. "A really well wtritten story although frustrating because I want to know what they were standing in line for and I will bet you dont know why they were either hehehe. You should decide what is going to happen and expand on that. I could tell by about the 2nd paragraph were you were going with the story tho and the fact that we wouldn't know why they were standing in the line at the end of the story. But that doesn't detract from the fact it was an enjoyable read. Its weird how short stories like this give me ideas, because forgive me if I sound strange but half way through i started trying to make endings up for my self and one i came up with is that i immagined that the people talking were actually sperm, all in single file waiting to be shot to the front of the line. you even had the male sperm looking at a female sperm. well i do have a really weird immagination. Any way thats just me. By the way I loved your last line, really good work keep it up." -- Lee. "Hi, Thanks Michelle and Lee for your reviews. As you said Lee this is the type of story where there is no ending. It doesn't really matter why they were in the line. I had a crazier idea then yours (mine was bordering on sci-fi) but I let it go. The idea was that it should be a 1000-word story, and I decided that it would be fun to "play" with the readers and let them decide what was the whole meaning of the line. I tried to deny the reader of any details that would give away the location of this line. I got inspired for this story by another short story, "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson. Where she tells about a Lottery that the winner get stoned by the town. It is very weird and lacking many details but I loved it. So that's where the style came from. Again, thanks for the reviews and complements... Mimsy" -- MimsyBoro. Mascara by Tweez (3) "i think this you did a *great* job at portraying just how confusing life can be for some people, especially when they aren't "like all the other kids." the only suggestion i would make would be in the beginning... i think it would hook an audience even better if you didn't mention that he was getting the makeover until he sits at her dresser.. it'll make us wonder what he's so nervous about instead of getting all the facts from the getgo. but that's just my opinion, great work :)" -- rae. "This is very good. Your have taken on a controvercial subject and turned it into pure artistry. My deepest congratulations!" -- Johanna, Delavan, WI, United States. "very well done. Insightful piece of work. The betrayal is so very real." -- Avis, Mumbai, India. It's All In The Teeth by David B Doc Byron (2) "Pukingly horrific.... Without a doubt the most disturbing 388 words I have ever read." -- D G Williford. "If this gibberish was constructive in any way, I would have been a Mark Twain years ago. Bad taste, man! pardon the pun." -- Gerry. It Runs In The Family by David B Doc Byron (1) "Once I got it, it was pretty disgusting. Is this supposed to be of the "dark humor" genre? It seems like it to me. The dialogue was very natural, which is always a challenge for a writer. The one thing I didn't get was the "it's in the blood." Does this mean the son will blackmail the father into committing incest with him, too? The one thing I didn't really like was the amount of ellipses and all-caps words the father used. If you cut down just a little on those, it would be much better. Also, I believe "Daddy", in the last paragraph, should be capitalized. Interesting little piece." -- Wolfa. From The Glow Of The Gaslights Comes A Prayer by Timothy Houlihan (2) "Very interesting!" -- Molly Houlihan, Houston, Tx, USA. "I have always loved the way you use the language. Your word pictures are vivid. I especially like the 'bag lady' Thanks for sharing. Terasee" -- Terasee Morris, Uvalde, TX, USA. Choices by David B Doc Byron (1) "That was sooooooo GOOD! So sad, but real. I could see it and feel his fear and desperation. " -- Michelle. A Peaceful Sabbath by E Rocco Caldwell (2) "Very visual and up to modern times. I enjoyed it." -- Edward, seattle, washington, USA. ""A Peaceful Sabbath", Dear Rocco, I am not a Christain, But l do respect every religion - I do read the Bible to know that Jesus was always proforming Mircles on Sabbath - hence your story is what the World is today - You have bought that peace in this- everywhere that you have used the word Sabbath it is like healing and peaceful and if only people would believe the truth in the Bible could they ever believe how holy Sabbath is." -- Amy, Hayes, Middlesex. 1:25 A.M. by David B Doc Byron (1) "Eerie!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Michelle. Vital Signs by Jason ''The Bloodman'' Taylor (3) "This is OK, but you need to explain some parts of the story better. You have the quote by W.B. Yeats to start off the story which is nice, but then you throw people right into the thick of things. You say the guy is in the hospital because of a car accident, which answers one question, but then he's yelling and screaming and his wife is communicating with him telepathically, I suppose. (I don't read a lot of comic books). It's all sort of confusing. " -- Steven. "Ehmm..m. Sehr gut Seite! Ich sage innig..!:) bmw" -- BMW, ..., ..., .... "Ehmm..m. Sehr gut Seite! Ich sage innig..!:) bmw" -- BMW, ..., ..., .... The Sand Dollar by Wesley B Rose Drley (1) "Wow, that was really good. I liked that a lot. I like how faith was brought into it and everything. That makes it really nice." -- Christina Aspears. The Penalty Is Death by E Rocco Caldwell (1) "I enjoyed this story it mixed events occurring at that time with a great detective plot" -- Bob Becon. The Hankie Files by Mark Nash (2) "Hilarious!!! Im an 8th grader, and i write a lot too. This story was great, but I'd say add more adjectives" -- Tyler Needham, Park City, UT, USA. "Yep. Good stuff, Mark. Lots of little stuff I could pick on, but you've got the handle and can tell a story. I would suggest you selectively linger just a tad on character development. Not so much that it slows things down, just enough to flesh out a bit more. Keep on writing. Well done." -- david namerow. The Belch Of A God by Timothy Houlihan (2) "inspirational... i loved it." -- Molly Houlihan, Katy, Tx, USA. "This was great! I really loved it!" -- Terasee Morris, Uvalde, Texas, USA. Shadow Dancers by Wesley B Rose Drley (1) "Hello... I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed reading "Shadow Dancers." You did a wonderful job with your writing and I really liked the story. I wanted to give Joe a hug. I would also like to give you a hug for serving in the armed forces. I am very thankful for you and all the others who have fought for us and our freedoms. May God always bless you and your family. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Susan" -- Susan, Chattanooga, TN, USA. Salute To Courage by Arthur Zulu (2) "i really admire the work of the Author of this article i really wish i could read more of his article " -- john, lagos, Lagos, Nigeria. "I'll everly appreciate the works of the Author of this article. His works are entertaining, infact just too perfect. He could be a literature himself to be study in the future. " -- Okpara Philemon, Lagos, Nigeria, Lagos. Prophecies by David B Doc Byron (8) "COOL! That was really good Doc! Very descriptive and well written." -- Michelle. "Hello Doc, I read your request for aide in registering with the WBBS, and I want to help you attain that goal. I�ve been told by Judith Goff of your disillusionment with Storymania, and of your desire to improve your writing skills. If you can tell me exactly what is the error that you receive when trying to register with the BBS, then I may be able to help you get past that area of rough terrain. Since you have not responded to any of my messages, I may be unknowingly and ironically �bothering� you in my attempts to help. If this is so, then please write to [email protected] and in the subject heading write simply �No Response� and I will stop in my attempts to assist you in this matter. Otherwise I will assume you have failed to see any of my messages, or that messages you have written in response to my own have been erased by the Storymania administration. If that is the case then I understand all too well. If your reply messages are being hindered on the Storymania site, then feel free to contact the above email address. It is the sincere hope of Judith Goff and myself to bring you to the Writer�s BBS where there is a better chance of improvement for your work. " -- JA St. George. "Hi there Doc, if this doesn't work, then I swear I'll shut up, go away, and leave you alone. Go http://writers-home.mail.everyone.net to sign up. I'm fairly certain the registration problem you're having is one of Invalid Email. I won't bore you with the details of why it won't accept certain email providers, but the one I mentioned above will work. Now I'm not trying to sell you on anything except a damn decent writing site, the email provider mentioned is free, there's no catches you won't get from any other email provider. It'll give you an email address that'll allow you to register. You don't need to give up your present email address, just have two, and tend to the new one only to keep it active, which really wouldn't be difficult, heck you can even use the second email if you want. If that doesn't get you in, and if that doesn't help you, then I am genuinely sorry for having wasted your time. On a positive note, when you get into the BBS site, it can be a bit daunting for a first time viewer, since there is so much useful information, but I've created a walk-through you can ask for by emailing [email protected] and simply requesting in the subject line "WBBS Guideline." It's that simple. If you want to go even further and have a personal guide through the site just call on me at [email protected] and I'll be happy to do it. I wish you the best Doc, in whatever you choose." -- JA St. George. "By the way, I did in fact read the story; all about our unfortuante lupine friend running wild through the darkened forest, but I was unsure if the robot lady was some kind of government weapon to clean the streets or perhaps a synthetic alien." -- JA St. George. "Looking back at the beginning of the story, I guess it is the former." -- JA St. George. "excellent, my friend! " -- e. rocco caldwell. "Hello What you thinking about it? Vicodin side effect Bye" -- pedrucho, Prague, 60, Chehz. "Julien Cubik Julien Cubik The Ian Carey Projec Love Won't Wait Alejo Loaiz 2000 Watts Gabriel Blac Bar Groove Raf Fende Move Your Body DJ Ta Scanner Redu H20 The Knights Of The Round Tabl Good Times" -- musicchart, London, Chehz, UK. Life Sucks by David B Doc Byron (3) "Damn Doc...seems like us writer types have some serious issues. Here...have a Xanax...dont worry I have more. lol" -- Michelle. "Doc: this was a hard read and must have been hard to write too. makes me feel ashamed of my petty gripes. Hoping tomorrow finds you in better spirits. Good Luck" -- Just A Guy. "hregm bglzro hscxz mcnisvr brmjexqcp vwoy juayxhgi" -- bpwaqsn xfwdlrz, zinlkgpdt, CA, USA. Life Sucks - Part 2 by David B Doc Byron (1) "here have another...and a hug. Good Luck Doc with what your heart searches for. You seem like an intelligent, talented, nice man. I'm sure you'll get what you want. Remember that you can vent here anytime. Nice work, btw, I love that raw honesty stuff." -- Michelle. Letters From Purgatory -Part 4-Ending by David B Doc Byron (1) "I KNEW it, Doc!!!!! Great fun!!!!" -- Judith. Filling The Pages by Krige Van Rensburg (2) "Howzit Krige, well, glad you made some of the changes. I like this draft a lot. You've obviously put in some hard work, so good for you. I did, however, notice one error (i can't remember the precise wording): Her body, almost drowned in mud was... Don't forget, you need a comma after mud! This is good stuff, bud. Looking forward to reading your next story." -- rob bell, London. "I love this story Krige, it's so well written and savagely poetic. However, I can't help but feel that the purpose of the story, to give us a gradual insight into a sick man's mind, is lost with the supposed surprise twist at the end. I have to say, I kind of saw it coming. I can see this working more as a play, some form of short, one-act, one-man play, it could be genuinely dramatic and moving in that sense. But I do hate to have any criticisms of this piece, it's beautifully written and set out and has a reality and empathy that few stories do these days. I loved the film "Memento" and this is quite similar. Kepp up the good work!" -- S J Fletcher. Popular? by H Wood (3) "This story is so NOT!" -- The Contradiction. "Hello Hezzy, since performing a critique upon the Storymania board is cumbersome, I placed my critique in HTML. I was unable to locate to locate an email address for you, I instead sent the critique to http://www.writersbbs.com/bbs3/forum.cgi?action=read&forum=general&message=3838-1 where you will be able to read it much more easily. If you have any comments feel free to post them here." -- JA St. George. "Thankyou ga. st george,I thought your critique was very fair, but i think I'm going to delete the story simply because i don't know where its taking me - the only part that i actually think makes sense is part 3, so i might leave it (i dont know if you've read that yet) only one point about the critique - the part about my use parenthesis, i was intending to try and take the readers mind away from the story, and mention colours overly because this character is oviously not thinking straight, and therefore the story will not read in chronological order, just like human thoughts - i dont think i had chance to write enough to make that apparent just yet , guess i'll wait and see. But thankyou, i appreciated it!" -- hezzy. Why I Like Watermelon by Sarrabisco (4) "the title attracted me to this story. I like the written style - even though its short i suppose the author had nothing else to say, a good mesage i think. I thought it was sweet." -- hezzy. "Hezzy, I also think it's a bit too short. Perhaps I'll build something out of these bricks (if you know what I mean). Thanks for the review. " -- sarrabisco. "grande historinha meu rapaz.. (isto eh resp ao teu mail) Mas pois � nem sabes o k perdeste meu amigo.. A mariana veio de top pa mostrar o seu espalhafatoso piercing.. foi sem duvida mt bunito.. a tua loirinha n sei, nc falei c ela.. de materia n foi nada de novo..aki tens um post.. visto k o meu mail n quer mandar coisas pa ti pelo que parece.. tenho uma foto nova no DA.. eheh.. fica bem ah e ja ag ke ker dizer ab? ein?" -- Francisco Lobo(shico). "damn.. esquecime k isto n eh privado cm no DA.. acho k n disse nada comprometedor na pra�a publica.. desc.. (damnstupidddddddddd!!!)" -- Francisco Lobo. Tortured by J L Watts (1) "It's nice for a sixteen-year-old. Still, you should have worked it more - it has many errors of all sorts. And, if I'm allowed to ask: why did you post this if you're annoyed by it? And what makes you think that people would be interested in reading something from your teen years? It's ok for you to do it, but why the exposure? Is this text worth showing others? " -- Sarrabisco. The Tragedy That Was Dave by Slick Nick (1) "Well told and quite sad. Like the comaparison with the T-shirt.Also an interesting idea of what dies in you whilst alive, obviously that being the trigger to end life altogether." -- J L Watts, Swindon. The Portrait by Judith Goff (14) "Holy Crap! That was amazing Judith!" -- Michelle. "Thank you, Michelle! I haven't posted much but poetry, it seems most people don't want to read the longer stuff, but thought I'd try again ... thanks for taking the time!" -- Judith. "Count me among the readers of short stuff but this certainly opened my eyes. What a great story Judith. Thanks for this. " -- Just A Guy. "Thank you, JAG! I know we all have limited time, that is why I usually post only poetry. Good to see someone is reading this!" -- Judith. "Enjoyable indeed. Love this kind of stuff. If you post more, I'll definitely read them!" -- Tessa. "Wow! Very entrancing! Loved it Judith!" -- Molly B. "Thanks, Tessa!!! But be careful what you wish for!!" -- Judith. "Molly B, happy to see you enjoyed this. Sorry about Amarantos, I will try to get more to you soon." -- Judith. "Another grasping story Judith... the first non-poem I've got to by you and I liked it! (Period after portrait, fourth to last paragraph)... Suspense build up was great!" -- Reagan Rothe, H-Town. "Thanks, Reagan! I'll correct that typo!" -- Judith. "Great Job Judith! Have to admit I've read all of your posted work here on storymania and I haven't found a single one I don't like or could somehow relate to. I don't usually do this review thing because it always seems like the same 'ol thing, "great job nice work" you know? But in your case you deserve a pat on the back! " -- Jennifer, Piru, California, USA. "Thank you so much, Jennifer!!! Wish you posted more reviews!!!" -- Judith. "Art imitating life.. or life imitating art? Bravo. You have broken through the tired drudge of the first peel and come away with the fruit. Excellent piece. The only thing I would change are some of the fades... there are references to fade or faded in the 1st, 6th and 7th paragraphs... and I would change slashed to ignited... Take it or leave it.. Otherwise, very well done." -- D. G. Williford. "You do write extremely well. I think you could have written many different endings to this tale. I'm not particularly a vampire genre fan. I guess after reading Bram Stoker's original, all other vampire tales seem anti-climactic to me. I wish more of these young kids on this site would show more appreciation of your fluent writing style, grammar, and punctuation, instead of just the shock value, weirdness, and gore of the tale itself. " -- Richard. Letters From Purgatory by David B Doc Byron (1) "Very intriguing, Doc!! Will read the rest today!" -- Judith. Letters From Purgatory Part 3 by David B Doc Byron (2) "I have a sneaking suspicion here, Doc ... can't wait til the next one to see if I'm right!!! Hurry!!!" -- Judith. "Very interesting and very original Doc! I am looking forward to part 4. " -- Katie. Letters From Purgatory Part 2 by David B Doc Byron (1) ""But, this "is"? real life....not a movie, where the " I like this one, Doc!! " -- Judith. Letters From Purgatory - Interlude by David B Doc Byron (2) "Wow, Doc!!! Great stuff, it really draws you on to the next part in this series!" -- Judith. "Gee Doc, it is much better when I start at the beginning (LOL). I'm just starting to find my way around here, but boy do I like what I see so far! This is really good work! " -- Katie. Hamilton by J Eric Eckard (3) ""Hamilton" is a pretty suspenseful story, with lots of foreshadowing so the reader knows something is about to happen. The pace changes throughout the story, going quicker when Hamilton is involved. Although the storyline is a bit far-fetched (the child would probably suffer more emotional trauma after an explosion and a fire in such a short amount of time), the message that Hamilton brings to the story make it strong." -- spaine. "Hamilton is truly a heart-warming tale with a happy ending. Despite the tragedy the characters endure, the author poignantly illustrates the resilience of the human spirit and the important roles animals play in our lives! " -- dylewis, tarboro, nc, usa. " Dear Sir, I apologize for not submitting a review, I'm trying to locate some folks in the Rocky Mount, NC area. I have a copy of a Rocky Mount Telegram article entitled "Missing in Action" but not from his family's heart" written by J. Eric Eckard about a Vietnam soldier missing in action named Darrell Johnson. Soldiers from his company in Vietnam hold a biennial reunion; next is June '09. We'd like to honor Darrell by having his family share in our reunion as guests of honor. I'm organizing this reunion and desperately need to contact any member of his family. I have one phone number for his sister but have received no return calls from my message. Would you please give me Mr. Eckard's address, phone or email; in his article he indicated Darrell's mother is living; we all thought she was not. Would be incredible for our soldiers to meet and talk with her and any other relative. Thank you, Martin Hamer Company B, 3rd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment. Phone: 404-464-659" -- Mike Hamer, Atlanta, GA, USA. Diary Of A Killer Kat by Kathryn J Gabrielle (1) "Enjoy this alot! Thanks for posting it! Very creative and funny too!" -- Monte. Clouds Across The Moon by C A Steen (2) "A Good Plot. No doubt brevity precluded mention of the finding of the remains and its description. The author shows talent which will benifit from a study of punctuation, use of speech marks and paragraphs. was neither describedWould liked to have been informed about the condition of the bodytold more about the finding of the body and its description. Puncuation was poor." -- Mr E G S White, TAUNTON, UK. "a few punctuions mistakes but on average a very good story & a good plot. " -- g. cook, great britain . Cassandra by Wandering Minstrel (1) "not bad carol just sayin hi im not good at judging stuff but it looks good to me you could use a few more commas especially at the beginning" -- Andrew Wilson, Rochester, MN, USA. Transitions by Tom Soukup (1) "very interesting. fast moving. well written. concise. keep up the good work" -- glancy, Mumbai, India. The Gift by Tom Soukup (1) "no" -- bailiben, Hangzhou, Zhejiang, China. The Bus Station Tearoom by Rebecca Vaughan (2) "A strong piece of descriptive writing." -- Luke Witcomb. "I liked the motivational message this story puts across, I also like the way the descriptions make me feel I am really in such a grim rundown place. " -- Beatrice Vaughan. Taking Care Of Your Own by David B Doc Byron (3) "Brilliant." -- Dorrien. "It's well done. But, it could be a whole lot better if you'd have worked it more - the structure, the rythm, ... " -- sarrabisco, port. "Nice" -- Subha, namakkal, tamil nadu, india. On This Lovely Day... by Daroga Daae (1) "That was disturbing, even for me. As a father, something like tha happening to one of my children is my biggest fear. Interesting experimental style, though. Could easily be expanded into something grander and more twisted. " -- W. N. Dayley. Dream Lover by David B Doc Byron (2) "OMG Doc this is so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Michelle. "Horrific and creepy! This is very well-written, and it really has a haunting edge to it... mild gore, but very descriptive; perfect! :D" -- Daroga. Bruising by Emmie Sinclair (3) "I like this, Emmie ... "The policeman saw that their hands were still clasped, a sight which caused a lump to well in his throat, although he had seen dozens of carcrashes." This sentence is a bit awkward, though ... perhaps "Their hands were still clasped together and the hardened policeman choked back a sob." Something on that order ... Less words, similar meaning. I did like the story and at your age I see great things ahead, keep writing! " -- Judith Goff. "Wow Emmie...this is VERY powerful! I'm quite impressed with your ability at your age. It's REALLY good. Dont give up on your dream." -- Michelle. " "An icing-sugar sprinkling of frost lay over the mint green fields" - great description, can really picture that" -- J L Watts, UK. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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