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Everything's Falling Into Place by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"so totally everyone has experiance that. or at least witnessed or at least felt that way. great." -- rachel williams.


The Way We Actually Were by Jeffrey (George) Winter (4)
"Interesting story, I am always fascinated by stories of people who lived in the Third Reich, since I am a graduate history major. Expand it into a book. " -- Shelley, Fullerton, California, USA.
"Auer's 220-page book containing vivid photos, "The Way We Actually Were", is available for $17 plus $2 S&H through WW Press at [email protected] or N9133 Mill Rd., Summit Lake, WI 54485, #715-275-3150 " -- Jeffrey Winter, Summit Lake, WI, USA.
"Excellent piece...send me two books, please!" -- Willis.
"Ehmm..m. Sehr gut Seite! Ich sage innig..!:) bmw" -- BMW, ..., ..., ....


You've Got Mail by David B Doc Byron (42)
""runs a close second in wierdness." typo. Ironic, change just a few key words here and there, and it really could be. Everyone seems to think the more gore the better. I have a good enough imagination on my own. Makes you think." -- Sylvia.
"I took this as satire,Doc. Seems the public demands more and more sickness and the money mongers are just pleased as punch to live down to expectations for a little more of the green stuff!" -- Judith.
"vdbyioriur" -- From: [email protected] To: [email protected] BCC: [email protected] Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary=cxyitbu X-GUID: c02ac953-4473-d49b-58b3-2bd57df2bf9e --cxyitbu Content-Type: text/html Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 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 --cxyitbu-- . , xdjdphakiutymmrsvrwbbnqagyymodwxmgesyspvyarsbdiqcsuyjvfjmjwp, imufxvmfhxsccbcauwxcqhjuiwopbugpvynlemtfpcjdarwisfooktyadava, hvemrcgcmquhcslnxfupafvvfqfcamheptwtxvlwltuckglqhkbwegabyhga.
"rfsrfkqrnq" -- From: [email protected] To: [email protected] BCC: [email protected] Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary=pofiglc X-GUID: c02ac953-4473-d49b-58b3-2bd57df2bf9e --pofiglc Content-Type: text/html Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 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 --pofiglc-- . , oskofegqoujuusyltlhycigtetvlktmgjijfskycdqvchtssrbdgpunflqjk, htfuhclmitrilevkmelkbdtipgqotescanuikatehfjxiuulxdrheyjdawfb, lwseaphwinymkgcusvatkeppllxbeqinurskmfwsmwckefvwvokdwkqggcso.


The Secret Of Pimples by David B Doc Byron (13)
"I tend to be more "In your face" about such things. It might, or might not, come as a suprise to you to know I figured it out. One thing you might want to look at. "I found on a whetstone I found in my Papa's workshop." I'm not the best reader, so I got hung up on this line. Shivers, no. Dark understanding and unease, yes. Good job. " -- Sylvia.
"You scare me." -- R. Bennett Okerstrom.
"?Why?" -- Sylvia.
"Not you. Him." -- R. Bennett.
"I knew that, just wanted to know someone elses point of view is all. I know what makes it scare me, but what makes it scare you? Seriously, I would like to know. For me it is the fact there is just enough there for me to recognize, yet not so much that it makes it someone elses story. That feeling of being totally vulnerable. What is it that scares you?" -- Sylvia.
"Oooo, Doc ... really creepy!!" -- Judith.
"I'm thinking the big one is the papa's baby growing inside of the 15 year old girl. I'm thinking he comes into her room and rapes her. She's pregnant. She wants to kill the baby by stabbing herself in the belly-button. THAT's why it scares me." -- R. Bennett.
"I remember my first pimple. a big white head right in the middle of my lip. Since then I've gotten them all over my face. I've tried everything on the market, and they go away. For a while. But they always come back. So I figure why fight it? When I die, people won't remember me for my beautiful skin, but who cares? I have a certain amout of pride about my zits. They are mine and mine alone. LOL, just kidding. Good work David." -- Steven T.
"i totally agree with benett, this story gave me a real bad feeling...like this wasn't fiction at all but real, either doc is doing it or he/she is the girl....but what the fuck..." -- sunny, washington, dc, usa.
"I'm quite sure it IS fiction. Isn't it?" -- R. Bennett .
"Obviously a tale of incestual rape and self inflicted abortion. Chafflingly disturbing yet famously penned. I would only change the double founds. Excellent job. D.G. Williford" -- D.G. Williford, GVL, SC, USA.
"I enjoyed the story but wonder if the flow of it was a bit bumpy? I think the impact of this story is the final line and so in order for it to have a lasting impact the story should flow. All and all it was a great tale." -- e. rocco caldwell, tacoma, washington.
"You seem to have captured the admiration of several on this site who obviously enjoy this particular genre. I think you have writing talent but I'm not really interested in what you write about. There's so much of this crap around today, It's become almost too commercial. It's fun to read stories about people who are not totally fucked up, really! Otherwise, your admirers' will have merely crowned you "Little King Shit of Turd Island." " -- Richard.


The Caged Introvert by Michael Harris (9)
"Hello Michael, using a common practice for text when HTML isn�t active I have copied your piece verbatim, and have placed commentary in stars, so it will appear ***just like this.*** The Caged Introvert Michael Harris ***The first thing I will assume is that you have no or very limited formal training in fiction writing, therefore I�ll try to go easy on you, instead of picking out every little thing. Since I have the impression you have life experience, but not so much writing experience, I�ll concentrate on the big general things first. Later in time you will then be able to receive critiques by me or others which are far more specific.*** There lives a young man who, by no means of his own inherent powers, finds it stingingly difficult when relating to members of the opposite sex. ***The most noticeable thing about this opening is the use of tense. Here you have used present tense, which is very rarely used, and then only by the most experienced of writers. Present tense usually makes a piece sound a bit weak and foofy. In most prose it is best to switch to the use of past tense. So here is how I would rewrite your first sentence �There lived a young man who, by no means of his own inherited powers, finding it stingingly difficult when relating to members of the opposite sex.� It sounds better that way, bolder. I�d suggest a tense change for the rest of the text as well.*** It began some years ago, back in elementary school, when an ocular beauty by the name of Iris would literally propel him into an awe stricken state whenever he could be found in her presence. His memory of the said charmer was vivid, akin to how one remembers the sun sets in the west or the details of a bright and warm summer day. She was of African-American descent herself ***�herself� is an opposition word, suggesting something is being compared against the subject, but here we have no evidence of comparison. Example of opposition/comparison: �Marge thinks she�s so great because she�s dating a fullback, but I�m dating the quarterback myself, so it�s nothing special.� Thus using �herself� would suggest she�s being compared against something that has already been presented, but that information is not shown to the reader.***, but mixed, as her mother was a descendant of the Europeans. Her skin therefore carried with it a lightish-brownish ***Neither base word in this conglomeration is entirely grammatically accurate, but the double �ish� has got to go. Try changing to �lightish-brown� or �light-brownish.� But for maximum performance change to �� carried with it a light-brown complexion��*** complexion, and her hair, crinkled and free as it was, bore with it a dark and brownish coat. She was, in his own young and impressionable mind, the quintessential beauty. This fascination with a young beauty would last him some three years, until Iris ***It might be wise to mention her name immediately when introducing her, rather than putting off to the very end.*** and her parents packed up and moved away. He could never, in those early years, find or muster the courage needed to confess his infatuation with her, and this same hesitancy that began those long years ago remained with him through middle and high school--and has since matured--thus producing a most pitiable creature. Now in his second year of college, he hopes to finally find love with a new and recent finding, one Gwendlyn Moors. Our protagonist's name is Marsellus Towers, and he is The Caged Introvert. ***This is more of a speak-style. This kind of language such as �There lives a young man in the fantasy village. Our hero is Jon the Brave. What will our hero do?� is the realm of storytellers, not fiction writers. I�ve known some very gifted storytellers in the performance art community who can enchant an entire audience of children, and the masterful can even keep adults spellbound, performing a story with his/her voice and actions, but most of these story-tellers cannot write prose. It is two very ways of displaying a story, a storyteller tells and performs a story, while a fiction writer shows a story. In order to really understand the difference, ask yourself if the reader will be able to fully appreciate the story if you are not in the room performing it for him or her.*** Marsellus lives in an apartment with a friend named Donovan Tillet. Donovan he met when he was just entering high school, as the two became acquainted with one another through the high school chess team. To his credit, Donovan has--on many occasions--attempted to help Marsellus rectify his situation by giving him hints or whatnot ***I might alter that slightly from �or whatnot� to �and such�*** , as it relates to relationships and how best to approach women. Indeed, a true and stalwart fellow is Donovan Tillet. It has been Donovan planting the seeds of encouragement in the young lad all these years, and it was Donovan--as a matter of fact--who first introduced Marsellus to the visual splendor that is Gwendlyn Moors, having known her from some time past, in middle school years to be precise, the two keeping in touch despite attending separate high schools. And therefore because of Donovan progress ***Plant commas around �because of Donovan� since the phrase is a momentary aside to the rest of the sentence, for instance you could say �And therefore progress has been made��*** has been made on the Gwendlyn front. The trio share a chemistry class and Marsellus chats with her from time to time, always--though--about small and trifle ***Drop �and trifle� since it is redundant. You wouldn�t say �small and little things� or �small and relatively insignificant things�*** things like weather, or apprehension toward facing a new assignment. Never has Marsellus been able to approach Gwendlyn with words leaning towards his interest in wanting to know her better as a person, as the stifling predicament of his youth has piled up upon him, preventing him from revealing his true feelings. As to the visage of our protagonist, he is quite the looker himself, ***Here you are just telling the reader what Marsellus looks like. Example: �Here�s Bob. Bob is a guy. Bob has long hair and a mustache.� By now your reader will be yawning. When revealing details about a character�s appearance it must never be too darn obvious. For example I�d say: �Marsellus felt the gaze of the woman on his russet skin, and he saw her smile, though he was too shy to return the look.� It takes a certain finesse, Michael, to work the details into the story, instead of lumping it out there and saying �here it is.�*** though it hasn't been brought up much, save by a few aunts, and a grandmother here and there. He is black--but browned skinned--and his hair is semi-curly. His eyes share some resemblance to those of puppies ***Much of the narrative in this story can be cut, and you may find yourself doing so in later revisions, but this is one phrase you really ought to keep �His eyes share some resemblance to those of puppies�� since it not only strikes a comparison between Marsellus� eyes and that of a puppy�s, but also makes the reader draw the conclusion of a comparison between Marsellus� shyness and that of a puppy�s.*** , and his skin is free of all physical defects whatsoever ***So he�s perfect? Consider that awhile Michael. How many completely physically perfect people have you met? Try and stay with the literary fiction nature of this piece without skipping over to the genre category of Fantasy. He may be handsome, but is he genetically engineered?*** . Truth be told, on many an occasion a young lady has been intimidated by him, which has not aided his cause much of any, ***�of any� is unnecessary and won�t be missed if you decide to yank it out of there.*** but has rather stifled it, seeing as how he also suffers from intimidation. And then too, Marsellus is a moral man, it is not sex that he is after, but rather companionship. But he is very much ignorant of the fact that he is a good looker, which--had he known it--his confidence level might have superseded ***Spelling correction �superceded�*** all his hopes and dreams. Well, on no particular day, while laying ***While this is incorrect, I�ll let the whole laying/lying/lain thing lay for awhile, and concentrate on the big stuff.*** in bed, Marsellus determined in his mind that he was going to ask of ***Change �of� to �for�*** the hand of Gwendlyn Moors. As he thought on ***Change �on� to �of� or �upon�*** the daunting task that lay ahead of him, it came to his mind that it would be best if he consulted his friend and consulate Donovan Tillet on the matter. And so he did, their conversation being as follows: ***Here�s another regal example of letting the storyteller in you overwhelm the prose. You want to avoid saying �Here is the scene. Bob enters into the room and says something to Harry.� You need to tell a story in printed words not spoken words, and you need to avoid stage directions unless you are directing a play.*** "Donovan?" "Yes, Marsellus?" "I've been thinking...I mean...seriously thinking. If I were to...ask of Gwendlyn, what do you think she would say to me? How would she reply? Do you think that she would even have me?" "...Are you...really considering this?" "I am." Donovan paused for a moment. He then began pacing the room, pressing down on his bottom lip whilst lowering his eyebrows. It was as if he was contemplating a great matter in that domed head of his, or so that is what Marsellus perceived. Finally, after much moving about, he spoke. "I think...I think that you should go for it. I may be wrong, but I'm certain she has an eye for you, or in the very least she's fairly interested. Yes, I think you should go for it." Marsellus smiled a smile that would lift even the most discouraged soul to a state of supreme happiness. And now that he possessed the go ahead, it was time to practice what he would say, and that he would do for the next two days. Now, it is perhaps presumed that Gwendlyn is flawless in nature, and this is only partly true. Looking upon her, one would--in fact--liken her to a pearl beset amongst a host of clam shells. ***clamshells*** Her hair is wonderfully long and as soot ***This word, while it may accurately capture the likeness of what her hair is either colored like or textured like, that you may be trying to achieve, it is perhaps not the best word to use when describing something attractive, unless you find something particularly attractive about ashes that stick to the lining of a chimney.*** and whenever she enters a room the light from the fixtures on the ceiling refracts off of it, producing a most eye-pleasing effect. Her skin is candy-coated with caramel, and produces no ill effects whatsoever. ***I�ve noticed you created two perfect people, physically anyhow. This may be a way to off-set their inner-selves, but still it should be pointed out the creation of perfect people in stories is a long out-moded way of creating creators, and has been dead for several centuries now. Very few people wish to read about the perfect prince or princess in modern reading. They prefer to have their heroes and heroines more realistic. At least you made these main characters average individuals, though interestingly enough you do mention the word �prince� in the next line.*** She is petite in size, but possesses ample subsidies in all the right places. She is gorgeous, and a prince alone would do by her side. But see if not her true nature can be perceived in the following passage where she is courted by a nameless young man. "Gwendlyn! Hi! Hey...umm...listen, do you think that you and I could ever like...go on a date sometime? I know we've only just met, but I'd like to get a chance to know you better...if that's all right with you." "Well...it depends..." "Depends? Depends on what?" "A lot of things...Like, where would we go? Or what would we do? All this doesn't come cheap, you know. But..." And as she said this she drew very, very close to him. "...if you're willing to shell out, I promise to you that I'll make it worth your wild." And so with those words Gwendlyn Moors racked up another victim to her long list of male companions. Truth be told, Gwendlyn Moors was skillful in the art of manipulation. Mostly she would use men for money, or extravagant gifts, sometimes even for sex. She had to repay them at some point if she was to ever lay hold on them for any extended period of time of course. Indeed, Gwendlyn Moors was a member of a very dishonorable bunch. And just who is to blame for allowing the esteemed Marsellus Towers to fall for one like Gwendlyn Moors: certainly not the helper that is Donovan Tillet. Donovan never was a great perceiver of the character of a human being, and in truth, Gwendlyn never did anything that would give him any indication as to her true being. However, the situation that Marsellus is about to engage in isn't purely by chance. We are in the acknowledgement of the higher power, and the fact which being that some bad things that happen to good people only help to bring about a stronger person in the end. With that said, Marsellus--over two days time--made it his mission to affect the heart of Gwendlyn Moors, planning his method of approach most extensively. He wrote things down, practiced in front of mirrors, and even received input from long-time friend Donovan. It was an exciting time to be sure. Marsellus was on the brink of overcoming a weight which had bogged him down since early childhood. But when the big day came there were still jitters and apprehensions which he could not overcome. His heart would beat irregularly, and his palms produced sweat. He felt altogether uneasy, and in his mind the thought kept resurfacing that Gwendlyn would reject him. But he held steadfast. Regardless of how he was feeling, he was determined to go through with it this time, after so many thwarted attempts. And so he approached Gwendlyn after class one day. Their conversation being as follows: "Gwendlyn! Wait up!" He hastened toward her. "I wanted to talk with you." "Talk to me? About what?" Marsellus took a deep breath. He looked from side to side and saw Donovan walk past him, motioning signs of encouragement. He had prepared hard for this moment, and now he could hardly get out what he wanted to say. "Listen...I was wondering...Well...I'm interested in you...deeply...I have been, ever since I laid eyes on you. And...I thought it might be nice if you and I got to know each other a little better." Marsellus went on, building his case and giving Gwendlyn no time at all for a reply. He stated that he wouldn't dare dream of violating her and that he was interested in companionship, something which shocked her immeasurably, though she betrayed not a hint of her inward manner. Finally, after much talk, Gwendlyn smiled, which in turn left Marsellus' mouth gaped wide open. She then spoke. "Oh Mars!" She said, stroking his cheek in the process. "I'd be delighted to go out with you." The cogs in her mind were running in overdrive. Normally, she would have rejected him because of his professed abstinence, but she was secretly very fond of Marsellus, and wished to lay with him ***This is a �very� old biblical term. I�m pretty sure �sex� is no longer deemed a dirty word by the Christian church.***. Indeed, Gwendlyn Moors had plans for Marsellus Towers. So they set the date for a Friday night, and all the while the excitement of Marsellus reached feverish peaks. Just before he was about to leave for Gwendlyn's, Marsellus consulted Donovan on proper behavior. "Now, it is probably best if you don't bring up the fact that you've never been out on a date before." "Why not?" "Because it'll put unneeded pressure on her at this point. You don't want to do that, do you?" Marsellus shook his head. "Just be yourself. She's not out to get you. She's a person just like you and me, ya see? You don't have to put on any fronts." Marsellus nodded his head. "I see. Well, I'm off. Will you be up when I get back?" "Maybe. I am kinda interested to see how it all turns out." And so with those words spoken Marsellus headed for the exit and left. Gwendlyn, like many other college students, still lived with her parents, and had given Marsellus her address: 13575 Biltmore Street it read. Marsellus had no trouble finding it, as he was familiar with the neighborhood. When he pulled near the curb of the house, he found that Gwendlyn was already waiting for him on a porch bench, her hair sparkling in the moonlight. She was clothed in a very tight ensemble, and hoped that through her dress Marsellus would decode her secret message. Marsellus thought it befitting of her, but wasn't about to engage in anything that went against what he stood for. Marsellus got out of the car and opened the door for her. "Hi!" He said. "You been waiting long?" "No. Not particularly." "That's good." There was a small smile on her face, which Marsellus noticed. This would be a night to remember. As they made their way to the movies (which is one of the places they agreed upon going, later they would go to dinner) they talked on a variety of subjects: like school, family, each others ***other�s*** private interests. Gwendlyn was quite fond of baking and Marsellus confessed that he was quite fond of eating. The two shared a healthy laugh from that episode. But there were some things brought up and noticed which utterly disengaged the interest of Marsellus, like Gwendlyn's vanity. Whenever he'd turn to gaze at her, it seemed as if she was constantly looking in the mirror. Also, she talked most extensively of past relationships, and how she was treated by other men, in terms of their willingness or unwillingness to spend money on her. This gave Marsellus a very mixed impression of the one whom he had become so infatuated with. The movie they were going to go see was a romantic comedy. Neither of them had seen it, so they were both fairly interested. Marsellus, though, was concerned chiefly about the possibility of them building a relationship, and he felt strongly that--after considering and dismissing the absurdness of it all--Gwendlyn could be the one he'd marry one day. But this feeling would only last for a short while, as he was highly disappointed when another man, whom Gwendlyn knew, came and spoke with her. It happened at the conclusion of the film. He had no date, or at least that is what Marsellus perceived. And he might have forgotten about the incident altogether, had it not been for the way in which Gwendlyn handled it. She talked and laughed with him, carrying on as if Marsellus wasn't even there. Finally, she did introduce the two, and said that he was only a casual acquaintance of hers, which, after observing the way they interacted, Marsellus wasn't too inclined to believe. As they made their way from the theater to dinner, there wasn't much of anything of importance discussed. Marsellus found it difficult to converse with her after the way in which she had treated him. He tried to conceal it, but Gwendlyn noticed, and perceived that he was genuinely hurt by her actions. She would have to turn her charm up a notch if she was to ever have him, and that is exactly what she would do. As they arrived and made their way to their tables, Marsellus determined in his mind that he would forget what happened at the theater, if for no other reason to give Gwendlyn the benefit of the doubt. Marsellus therefore attempted to spark conversation. "What are you ordering?" He said, as he flipped through his menu. "I don't know yet. What about you, Mr. I-Like-To-Eat-A-Lot." Marsellus smiled. Gwendlyn did the same. "Probably their steak. I hear its ***it�s*** nice. So says Donovan." "Then I'll have the same." So they ordered and ate and had stimulating conversation throughout. Gwendlyn even confided in him that she was secretly very fond of him since the beginning, and Marsellus was now feeling so comfortable talking with her, that he decided to forego advice given him by Donovan. "You know," Said he, "you're actually the very first girl I've ever been out with." "No." Said Gwendlyn, in a very shocking manner. "Really?" "Yes!" He said. "I wasn't supposed to say anything, says Donovan, but I feel greatly relaxed while talking with you." She smiled. Secretly she was very pleased with this. Now she knew him to be ripe for the picking. She even thought of caressing his leg with her own, but later thought better of it, seeing as how he was committed to abstinence. She did not want to upset him or scare him away. But she would not let the night pass without giving him a firm indication as to her intentions. So Marsellus paid the bill and they left the restaurant on a happy note. Marsellus was very pleased with how things were going. She is marvelous, he thought. Simply marvelous. After pulling into her driveway, Marsellus got out and walked her to her door. "I had a wonderful time." Said he. "So did I. It was very enjoyable." "How does next Friday sound? We can go bowling." "Oh, I'm not that good," She said. "Neither am I. But that's what will make it fun." "Fine. Next Friday we'll go bowling." She said, laughing. She then became serious, romantically so. "Can I...kiss you?" She said. Marsellus saw no harm in it, and said yes. So she kissed him, and he kissed her, and as she did so she touched him inappropriately, which startled Marsellus immeasurably. "I'll see you in class," She said, as she entered her house. Marsellus was left there standing in amazement. Finally he got hold of himself and headed for home. It was, to him, a very sensitive topic. That she would do such a thing after he expressed his disinterest, was distressing. Still, he was not ready to end the blossoming relationship. He would simply tell her that her conduct was inappropriate and never to do it again. That is what he would do. Well, as he was heading for his apartment, he couldn't help but think on how great a night it had been. Apart from the two finding a good deal of chemistry, he had conquered his ***Delete �being shy� and replace with �shyness.�*** being shy. And this is only the beginning, he thought. Only the beginning. When he got back home he found that Donovan was fast asleep. An unfortunate incident really, because he was dying to hear his own take on the matter. ***That would be quite impossible. Mars� could hear Donovan�s response to the night�s events, but Mars� could not hear Donovan�s take on them, because Donovan was not there.*** So the next morning came, and as he was getting ready for class he explained just how fantastic a night it was. "It was incredible man. We had great chemistry together. It was like we knew each other from years past or something. We're gonna make a great couple." "See, I told you didn't I? Now what we need to do is build upon the foundation. Lets ***Let�s*** you and I go out tonight. I know a great club on the Northwest side of town. You shouldn't go looking for another woman of course, but it'd be nice to just mingle, ya know." And Marsellus agreed, thinking it good for him to get out and live, after so many years of death. The two left for the club at around 10:30 at night. When they got there, they had to show identification, as the bouncer wasn't convinced that they were over eighteen. The club was lively, there was a great many young people there, some dancing, others sitting at tables whilst having drinks. Marsellus and Donovan went to an empty booth and seated themselves. It was very difficult to hear one another, with all the noise and whatnot, but they spoke anyways. "Ya see," Said Donovan, half hearing himself. "Its pretty intense here isn't it?" "Yeah," Said Marsellus, speaking far loudly than what should be expected of him. "Yes it is." "I'm going to go see if I can find someone to talk to. I'll be right back." Marsellus nodded whilst smiling. He sincerely appreciated the friendship of Donovan; how he stuck with him over the years, even when at times it seemed like he was resisting his methods. But he was only being shy. And true, it was still with him to a degree, his shyness, but not to the stifling degree with which it began. He took in his surroundings. It wasn't the place for him, this club. He couldn't put a finger on it, what it was which didn't set with him. But he knew this wasn't a place that he would frequent. He sighed. And now his thoughts moved toward Gwendlyn. Ah yes, the great splendor that is Gwendlyn Moors. How long would the two date before announcing their engagement? Two, three years maybe? He would have to meet their ***�her� parents, I assume he�s already met his own.*** parents first, and she his of course, but there was really no harm in thinking about future events, ***You may drop the totally redundant �he thought.�*** he thought. And then what, after marriage? Children? How many? Three? Four? Five? The two had their whole lives ahead of them, but they would grow old together. Together. The two of them. Growing old. How wonderfully romantic ***�sentimental� would be the best word of choice.*** , he thought. He stood up, seeing if he could not spot Donovan. The great intermingling of people was really something else. He was not saddened that he himself didn't fit into the mold of every one else here, but rather grateful: grateful for who he had won ***It strikes me as odd, since Mars� is such a devout guy, that he would consider his �future wife� as a prize or something to be owned.*** , and grateful for what he had overcome. Donovan couldn't be seen amongst the host of individuals, so he decided to just sit back and wait for his return. ***Poor association. The former sentence is what is known as poor association, especially since the protagonist Mars isn�t mentioned in it directly, only referred. The way it reads now, Donovan is the subject of the sentence and he, not Mars, is the one performing all the actions such as sitting back and waiting. I feel this is not what you intended, but this is what you have said.*** Then something happened. Something which utterly sank the heart of Marsellus ***Add a possessive apostrophe*** Towers to the deepest depths of his inner being. He saw Gwendlyn, dancing with another man, and it destroyed him. At first, he was unsure of who it was, but as he zeroed in on her, he became sure. NO! What did he do wrong? Didn't she enjoy the time they had spent together? Why would she do this? He couldn't stop thinking about it. She had betrayed him. Donovan came back to the table and saw Marsellus with his head bent in miserable reflection. Marsellus explained to him what had happened, and the two left the club. Class with Gwendlyn didn't come again until four days later, but when it did Marsellus made good on his promise to confront her. She said she was sorry, and that she didn't mean to hurt him, and that it meant nothing at all to her. But Marsellus couldn't get past the fact that she would do such a thing, even after the splendid time they had together, and so he called off their formerly announced engagement. There would be no future for them afterall ***after all***. How utterly depressing for him. The semester had come to an end, and that gave him some much needed time away from the face of Gwendlyn Moors, allowing for healing. And by the time of registration, he had healed a good deal. So he went to register for classes, and as he stood in the cashier's line he caught site of a gorgeous young woman, whose face was lightish brownish in complexion and whose hair was crinkled and free. He introduced himself and it turned out to be Iris from elementary school. She smiled, remembering him well, and at that moment he realized he had been given another chance at winning her over, and now, with everything that he had learned, he would make good on that opportunity. ***Interesting story about human weakness and naivety, but ask yourself during the rewrite process exactly what lessons did Mars� learn from the incident that would help him with future romantic relationships, and can you relate exactly what that was to the reader? Did he learn some women just can�t be trusted? Did he learn you can�t change a person who doesn�t want to be changed? Did he learn to wipe away illusions? Or perhaps he learned all of the above? Your strengths, Michael, lie in your spelling and your choice of subject. If ever you find yourself needing a critique in the future for other pieces, or a redraft of this one feel free to post to a critique-oriented site at www.writersbbs.com. If you have any difficulty whatsoever maneuvering around the site, feel free to contact me at [email protected] and I will personally guide you in the posting process. I feel you would be interested in that particular site due to a chat forum and a writing forum both dedicated to religious material where a group of helpful and friendly (mostly Christian) members engage each other in conversation and critique. In closing, Michael, I hope my critique of your work has been in some small way helpful to you. " -- JA St. George.
"JA, you put that whole "superseded/superceded" thing backward. That's why I hate a lack of HTML too. Everything thing else is mint though man, which is surprising for a review this long. You rule man!" -- Rags.
"This was a very nice story Michael." -- Deletia Thomas.
"Wow! I don't think I have to say it, but I will anyway: that was the most helpful and in-depth review I've ever received! Thanks a whole bunch! And yes, I am relatively new at writing, there being only three other stories that I've written besides these. And yes, I guess I have kind of adopted the habit of being a storyteller instead of a fiction writer, a habit that I must overcome, of course. This is most apparent in my other story, "Octavia's Obsession." It's just something I have to work on. But everything you said was and is most appreciated. Thanks! " -- Michael.
"You're welcome Michael. I should however clarify two points, since they were omitted when the extra-long text was printed without the aid of any HTML. "Superseded" as you have it printed in the story is correct. Many times, especially in British text you will find it "superceded" but that is never correct, even in British dictionaries. The second point is as follows: Something which utterly sank the heart of Marsellus ***Add a possessive apostrophe*** Towers to the deepest depths of his inner being. --End Quote-- A few words got lost here. It is meant to say if you place "heart" after Mars' name, which would look better, then you will need to place an apostrophe after Towers, but otherwise don't place an apostrophe. In conclusion, use the above-supplied email address, and website address, if you are interested in improving your work, and good luck." -- JA St. George.
"Here is a few responses from those who use the WWW.WritersBBs.com Religion Forum: The only way I know to join in is to just...join in. Seems as though the forums are all sorta quiet right now. People busy working or trying to stay warm. So, there isn't much going on in here or anywhere else, actually. If you come in and you don't get a response right away, just understand that it's downtime in here and don't be discouraged. :-) -- Meema It would be nice to have more people here and at the religion forum to talk to ... all subject are fair game and everyone's invited :-) -- Crystal Just check us out. We don't have membership cards. And a person can belong to multiple communities. -- David We don�t bite. You should show up and introduce yourself. We're mostly harmless. I know that I and others here are very interested in writing work with a faith slant, and talking about issues of faith and whatever else comes up. I hope that we would live up to our name as religious people (christians, at least most of us) and be a welcoming place to be :) -- Bethaniqua " -- JA St. George.
"Hey, thanks again. The next story that I write I'll most definitely will be placing it on writersbbs.com. But until then, you're welcome to pick apart some of my other stories if you like. Thanks." -- Michael Harris.
"You're such a lucky dog Michael getting a review (and a big one at that lol :-) ) from Jerry A. St.George. Next you'll end up getting one from Stephen King or Michael Chricton (sp?). I'm so jealous! Anyways, I saw your messages about needing people to review your work. Sorry I'm a little late to respond, I've only seen them recently, but I'm looking through all of your work. Got to say I'm pretty impressed by much of what I've seen. I don't think I can give you any good advice that you haven't already gotten from Jerry A. St.George and others, so listen to them they know. Also I've checked out this www.writersbbs.com mentioned above myself and I gotta say that's a good place for learning the craft too. Keep up the good writing Michael." -- kellie barqs.
"Hi, Kellie! Wow, I just got a review and feedback for a pretty old piece. I'm thrilled! Thanks so much and I'm glad you like what you've been reading so far. " -- Michael Harris, Detroit.


Nothing Fits, Anyway by Daniel Taylor (2)
"�He would later shudder at this dark recollection, wondering where it could have went wrong. But, after all, could any explanation really fit the situation? He thought not...� Watch your words. �went� should be �gone�, try and avoid ever starting a sentence with a conjunction, like �but�. Also, try and keep the dialogue separate from everything else, especially when there is more than one person talking. Just a couple pointer, do with them what you want." -- Sylvia.
"i need to be a writer so that i need to read a good story" -- Naiyanaporn.


As Told By Me by Parker (2)
"�You know that rule that says the good guys always win and the bad guys always get what�s coming to em?" Normally I would have stopped at this sentence, but I make some of these mistakes too. Delete "That" everywhere you can. It is a fill word, and you kill the reader with them. Second, is this someone speaking? It doesn't read like it is, so don't use "em". It should read in proper grammer, using words. Dialect is achieved with word choice, not making up words, and if it isn't someone speaking don't do it at all. "I must warn you it probably wont be what you suspect." Punctuation errors everywhere. Won't has an apostrophy, and this sentence needs a comma. I will stop here. You get the idea. Edit your work for basic errors, there are several." -- Sylvia Browne.
"Is that Sylvia or JA St George? LOL. This story is OK, but Sylviia's right, there are some grammar mistakes. JA St. George told me never to capitalize a whole word, because it suggests shouting. So, ALL GOOD and WRONG need to be fixed. This story is off to a good start, but It sort of reads slow and it's repetitive. " -- Steven T.


A Pocket Full Of Stones by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"Once again truely a story that you can feel like you have been there. or something that you know smeone close to you has felt. I felt it. sad but true a very sad but yet satidfying ending. makes you wonder really what happens next.?" -- rachel williams, west melbourne.


The Legacy by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"I though it was really good story but Im kinda confussed on the conection between Luke and Ben. Is Luke suppose to be the one with the lost love and Ben the one with his Lukes love or what." -- Selena Millhouse, San Antonio, Texas.


The Cool Clique by Pearl S (6)
"Read this a couple times Pearl and it seems you captured the angst many probably felt going through their teens. Things have a way of evening out and suffering can be a great motivater. Nice work." -- Just A Guy.
"thanks...i hope i didn't scare anyone, but i try to get these things down so i can understand them later and prevent other ppl from feeling the way i did" -- pearl.
"u took the words right out of my mouth. how could you get inside my head so perfectly. after a while, i just think - why do i want to be like them? it's not doing me any good to try so why try at all? don't bother, don't stoop low and beneath urself for s/o else who won't even give u the time of day. i think it but when i'm actually in the situation, i can't overcome my desire to be 'one of the group'... i'm sure u know what i mean. " -- miriam.
"lol miriam...you have no idea how funny it was to see your review here. i guess i never realized how many ppl have the same problem. and the point is, no matter how much their behavior may turn you off at times you still half wish you could be them. lol we have to deal with a lot of the same junk, dont we?" -- pearl.
"My gosh! i learnt a long time ago that trying to be someone you're not doesn't work. It gets annoying when you're trying to hard. I know ppl like that and they drive me nuts. The adults don't always understand what you're going through. But you're story was great!!" -- turaliz.
"that story was so touching and i know exacly how you feel. i also know a certain someone who is like that well its a good story" -- sara , wagga wagga, nsw, australia.


Story Of A Ghost by Matthew Mercieca (1)
"Matt, this is an extreamly moving story, makes me sad as do many of your stories. They are very good stories though and I hope they get published one day." -- Dean.


Special by Pearl S (2)
"Don't sell yourself short Pearl. Seems with a sharp mind like you have things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe the next day or the next. One thing is for certain, being a doormat won't help. Good luck. Like the feeling in this." -- Just A Guy.
"Thanks...I sat down and wrote it after some loser treated me like trash and hung up on me, bkz i'm hoping some one out there can relate to it. He did apologize later though...thereby assuring that I'll get suckered into the same routine next time. " -- pearl.


Space Walk by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (12)
"I have to admit, I was a little taken back by the lingo used. It was the same kind of things I heard years ago. There are several punctuation mistakes, but they didn't stop me. (I do have a reading problem that slows me down)I have a messed up past, but seeing my own Phils and Joeys stopped me. You told it shockingly well, being such a shaded subject. My hat is off to you. Bravo!" -- Sylvia.
"I too was taken off guard fuckers , but I thought the story was pretty sound." -- James.
"BTW I didn't call anyone "fuckers." It seems that HTML is overridden on this site. Since it is it would be "very" difficult to give a critique. " -- James.
"I know what you mean James, if you attempt to give an actual critique on this board, all the words pretty much run together and look the same. Without the author being able to decipher which parts of their work are critted and which one's are the parts they wrote, it becomes a hopeless mess for the writer that's being critted." -- Pegged Meg.
"I like to pimp my hoes!" -- Pimp Daddy.
">" -- **Smiles**, Flint, Michigan.
"I guess James and Pegged Meg are right "you can't" use HTML on this site. How in the world is anyone supposed to give any kind of critique??? Oh well. What I tried to say in the previous post was "Just how is "that" a review" in reference to Mr. Pimp Daddy!." -- **Smiles**, Flint, Michigan.
"///You just jealous because you want to be pimped out by me too, but I don't accept just any ole skank to be pimped out by the mack daddy Pimp Daddy///" -- Pimp Daddy.
"***Whatever***" -- **Smiles**, Flint , Michigan.
"Hey Sooz, I found one of your idiots here. Does this mean I win a cookie?" -- Insane Man.
"I would like to ask you this Sooz, since you seem to have more than the average number. Why is it that the intelectual elite seem to be the silent minority so much of the time, yet the judgemental necrotic microchasm speak so loudly? Just curious on your take." -- Sylvia.
"Sooz, death and feces notwithstanding, I really enjoy your writing style. Great attention, vocabulary and details. Your writing quality, proffessionalism and effort are plainly evident. I look forward to reading more of your work." -- Bronwyn.


So This Is My Life Then by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (4)
"Very cute story!Funn twist!!" -- Danielle.
"Hello Sooz, I've read much of your work, and many pieces are very good, or could be so with moderate reworking such as Mourning Glory. I also wanted to say having been familiar with your personal trials and tribulations since your first arrival on the board, that I hope it is now self-evident to you that it was not the former advisor of this site persistently attacking you. The site just hasn't been the same since he left, but I know this isn't your fault. I hope one day the site will hit a new Renaisance." -- Douglas Barre.
"Douglas is right, a lot of people got confused and drove out of town JA St. George on a rail, while the real culprit laughed his ass off, knowing he'd just brought about the downfall of the board. But now it's our turn to laugh our collective asses off at Nic, due to how foolish he consistently makes himself look. I think it is ashame that Jon, Nic, Casper, Cole, Anonymous, Grunt Woggler, Dan, the list goes on and on, felt compelled to drag every other writer into his own personal mess (even writers such as I who attempted to be nothing but kind to him)just because he couldn't get over the fact that he was no longer with the wonderful Ms. Brooklyn Ashe. But then I think he's too much in love with himself to truly have cared much about anyone else. I foresee an end to Nic's reign as chief idiot, and together we can work on bringing that day closer." -- RJ.
"Amen to that brother!" -- Joe.


Pulp-Affliction by David B Doc Byron (2)
"Oh my Good God Doc! What were u thinking? No seriously it was a riot until he "climbed on" then I got afraid. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES GIRLS ..........LMAO (hehe)" -- Michelle.
"Whoah. Crazy. Very entertaining though and I could picture the check-in procedure... Now I have to go see what else you've written!" -- Tessa.


Podunk by David B Doc Byron (2)
"Disturbing- but funny!" -- Tessa.
"Funny, Doc. I liked this too! " -- e. rocco caldwell.


Newsworthy by Vyacheslav Yampolsky (2)
"Nice job, I got some laughs out of it. You might proofread a little more though, there were a couple of typos. Overall, it was a great read!" -- Clint Stutts.
"don't bad...Sorry I didn't review before but your stuff was posted before I arrvied!" -- e. rocco caldwell.


Hickory, Dickory, Dock by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (1)
"Sooz, you're kidding! It's so undeveloped but the surprise ending gets me every time! Goes against my Enlightenment obsession for order but nice job as far as the ending goes anyway. " -- Shelley, Fullerton, California, USA.


Close? Only When We Danced by Paul Leighland MacLaine (2)
"ohhhhhhhhh! my how touching. but the way it was portrayed is true. if someone close to you dies you remeber what was. if you make a pack to someone then that someone is gone what packt is there left? a really heart renting story that you could imagine that they where strangers that could touch each other in a way only true true people belive can happen. a really sad but great story. I LOVED IT> DUNNO BOUT YOU BUT I LOVED IT> " -- rachel williams, west melbourne, vic.
"Love this story. Simple yet full of possibilities. Fluid, easy to read. One grammatical error- he held me upright and pulled me A? closer to his body. Guess you need a good proof reader. Been a long time! Nicole" -- Nicole Radford, Melbourne.


Big Things Come In Small Packages by Alessandra Mace (2)
"I think, after reading this story, that you have a lot of potential Alessandra. Especially at just thirteen years old. I do, however, have some criticisms. Firstly, the whole stint where the parents of the pianist are introduced and married and whatnot, while well written, could be left out. It just allows for better story telling if we are introduced to the boy early on. Also, after you do introduce the parents and they have their son, the story seems to enter the realm of telling us what's going on instead of showing us, which is how you started the story. I have problems myself with that, and I'm 21, so I don't blame you. Thirdly, there are a few misspellings. But all things considered, this could make a great novel, the struggle of the life of a disabled and aspiring young pianist. That is, of course, if you'd be willing to commit to it. Maybe later on down the line. Anyway, keep writing and take care. " -- Michael, Detroit.
"Wonderful Story . Especially for a girl of your age. Girl, keep on writing. You will definitely get to the Bookers one day for sure. And to top it all, you do write in a very mature way... Never could picture a 13 year old Kid writing such a touching and grown up short story. Keep it up Alessandra ... -- Your Brother, Ram" -- Ram Menon, Bangalore, Karnataka, India.


Anything Has To Be Better Than This by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"it made me cry . the fact is true it made me ask myself a question of what people do for true love and lust. what we pt up with how we react to peopeles pain and pleasure when we care for them so much. it was very sad. and i felt this one alot!" -- rachel williams, west melbourne, vic.


Worlds Biggest Loser by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (6)
"Sooz, I really liked this piece and the twist in the end really leaves your reader with a powerful statement on the importance of keeping promise's to children! Good work! " -- Monte.
"Thanks Monte, my ex-husband decided when his son was four that fatherhood and marriage had been a big mistake. After he told me that never mind not loving me, he didn't love his own son (can you imagine that) we left. That was five years ago and since that day I've seen him in court once, Mark has never seen his father since the day we left. Mark has never recieved so much as a birthday card off him. I feel sorry for my pathetic ex-husband he missed out on one hell of a great kid. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"He sounds like a real loser to me Sooz! When all is said and done it will be his loss, when your son becomes a man he will look this guy in the eye one day and let him know that he is everything he hopes never to become! Real men love and support thier children!" -- Monte.
"I agree with Monte, this is powerful." -- Steven T.
"This is almost poetry. Really well done." -- Franki Hood, Birmingham, England.
"Thanks all, writing is a powerful tool because it gives us the ability to VENT. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.


Watch Out, Henry! There's A Hole In That There Bucket! by Pearl S (11)
"This is OK. It just doesn't seem to go anywhere and it's confusing. You just needed to find a way to tie everything in this essay together. I liked the last line of this essay, it's a good ending line, But why did you title it Watch Out Henry, There's a hole in that bucket!? I thought this was going to be funnier than it was. The title made me laugh, but in the end I thought this was confusing. Plus I have a headache now, which is not funny." -- Steven T.
"sorry about the headache. i titled it "there's a hole in that bucket" because we were supposed to write an essay contrasting our fantasy selves with our true selves, and writing it made me realize i must have a screw loose. i was angry at first, and then i just let it take me wherever it went. sorry. if it was confusing, well, i am confused. " -- pearl.
"Hello Pearl, sit back and relax, this procedure shouldn�t hurt a bit. 1. Title: I�m not entirely certain the title fits the piece (By the way is this somehow based on the song of the same name?), but if it�s intended as symbolic use I have no particular problem with it. 2. Spelling and Grammar: A few of these worlds I shall give you since they are placed in dialogue, such as �tirading,� �frightwig,� �bedhead,� and �sucky.� I realize what they are supposed to mean, but none of them actually exist in an established dictionary. Related words such as �six year old� and �eight year old� need to have a hyphenated connection. When you write �clich�d� use the little mark above the �e.� �But she laid awake, dreaming.� This is one some highschool English teachers even miss, I have a trick for remembering which version to put in lying around here somewhere, anyway change to �lay.� ��black sweatpants, black mini-skirt, black earrings.� This would be immediately acceptable within dialogue, but since it�s outside it becomes awkward, and technically should have an �and� placed within, however since this narration is typically conversational in nature I will accept it, but remember that�s just me, there are far worse editors out there. �-mocking her own dreams-� I�m not sure if you think you�re trying to set up something special with these words but I�d drop the reflexive pronoun, for me it works just fine without �own.� �six-forty-five� Hyphens aren�t used with numbers above 99. With certain numbers such as addresses, telephone #s, and dates and times the number can be placed in digits. However it should never be placed in digits for most ordinary usage such as a person�s age or weights and measures. Consider either �six forty-five� or �6:45.� ��an Greek noble� Try reading that aloud. I�ll accept �eyeshadow,� but I won�t accept �busstop,� You gotta keep �em separated. Doo doo doo, you gotta keep �em separated. �anger-here�s� Here�s one of the places where you used a dash, but without using the appropriate space it appears to be a hyphen. (This will cause the average reader to re-read wondering what you just said, and that isn�t good, considering the reader has made it this far.) I don�t care for when the �g� is dropped off the ending of words, such as �getting�� or �freakin�.� If this were a true essay, I�d chop your head off for placing what belongs perhaps in dialogue in the exposition, but since as I�ve said this is conversational narrative such as �Pa said we should all pack up our things and get on outta here.� I will accept it. �tree-line� Yeah I�ll go with this one. �green green grass� It�s fine to be redundant for emphasis, but include a comma between your greens, lest someone should think you accidentally did a �was was� sort of deal. Capitalize Toledo. Change �envigourated� to �invigorated.� I�ve accepted all of your nonsense/fantasy words. There are also other wording errors throughout the material, but they are all based on the problems I�ve just pointed out so you know what to look for. 3. Opinion: Strange material, and confusing I imagine for the average reader, however I did come to understand the grief of the protagonist. 4. Options: I know what you�re trying to do by presenting two possible titles to the same work, but you are aware that you�ve included �three.� Drop one. " -- JA St.George.
"thanks for the criticism...this was one i didn't go over before i submitted it...i just sort of wanted to share my plight with other people to see if anyone related. i'm kind of stunned right now, but that's ok, and i'm sure i never would have figured out half that stuff without you. my teacher never said a word. " -- pearl.
"I think the tone of the writing was very good. It comes across as intellignet and barring a few nits here and there well written. I did find it a bit confusing, and not easy to get into. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"hey ja st george, pliz com an kritisiz mi gramar. iy rillliy don:t no hau 2 spal. but in reality, that kind of sentence deserves that much attn. however, this was spozed to be constructive critisim, and u wrote a dissertation. u might as well have rewritten Pearl's story, constructed ur own, it woulda been shorter than all that stuff u wrote!!! i am disgusted at the way you picked at every little detail! this is hardly encouraging for any fledgling writer. u must be in the hated category of ENGLISH TEACHER!" -- miriam, milwaukee, wi.
"You totally miss the point Miriam. Sometimes a constructive review isn't all cherries and roses. I'm not the best critic out there, but I do what I can. If you wish to blame me for what effort I have put forth than that is your problem. I don't wish to argue the point. Pearl should receive help and advise wherever and however she can find it, advise that will help her writing. It might not always be pleasant to hear that your work has flaws, even if they are only the reader's opinion, but a writer who wants to become a true professional needs to hear it, or they will never improve. I've never encountered a writer who didn't bleed at the slightest unfavorably comment, but the true writing professional picks his/her bloody self off the floor and strives to become even superior without trying to take reprisals from those who have tried to be helpful to them. I don't normally give indepth reviews because it makes people cry, but I don't apologize for the ones I do. There is a difference between being strict and being mean-spirited, everyone who reviews needs to remember this. Review as you would like to be reviewed, but don't hold back, let them know where they've gone right and where they've gone wrong." -- JA St. George.
"Amen to that! And don't bitch Miriam! JA is one of the people who actually "DO" give a real review. To scare away anybody else who does that like Sooz would just be dumb." -- Samantha.
"It sounds like this Miriam has never seen a real review, like the type you can get at www.writersbbs.com, that's why she was so shocked to actually see something beyond a one-word comment that you usually see around here. While Mr. St. George did an adequate review job, I think you could get much more for your work at the WBBS. Just sign up, and if you have any questions, just ask for Carmen Montayo, or one of the other guides to help show you around the site. Short little reviews are nice, but if you're interested in writers helping writers, than the BBS is the place to go. I see promise here in your work, go with it." -- Carmen.
"thanks...i'll check it out." -- pearl .
"Ok, i hope this qualifies as a 'real' review... but i really liked your story. it was interesting, and kept me entertained. youve got some real and honest stuff to say, and i like that youre not afraid to say it. this rocks!" -- lindsay, MO.


Warring Faiths by Ami (2)
"This is a fascinating piece. It really made me think. I think you could do without some of the exclamation points, but other than that...you also described the girl's pain and confusion very well. i hope everyone reads this, it means something." -- pearl.
"An even read. A conflict to portray the modern world and its balance of powers and cultures, though I think the differences might have been more subtly suggested. Jew, Christian, Arab can become a slight cliche with the political correct media overload. The idea is good, and the story engaging. Would like to see more... " -- Deon, Mafikeng, North West, South Africa.


Violet Glowing by Jason Richard Mercer (3)
"Ouch - wonder how many of us guys used them - discarded them - without any thought of the scars we left behind. Powerful work Jason." -- Just A Guy.
"Good work. Been in that place, and I think you did a very good job of taking the reader there." -- Sylvia Browne.
"the story was good. at times the sentences were really short and made the piece read sort of choppy, but at other times the sentence length added to the story. the ending, "it's over" just didn't' seem like enough or appropriate. after the detailed description, it seemed out of place. but other than that good story and good description, gave a good sense of the protagonist's feelings and attitude." -- Elizabeth, Chicago, IL, USA.


Rebecca by Tammi Goyns (1)
"maryam" -- Mohsen.


Naughty Bunny Goes To Ibiza by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (10)
"From all i've seen of ibiza live bunny people probably wouldn't get a second look, great fun Sooz:)" -- Just A Guy.
"I have to say I am a bit jealous that the bunnies had so much fun in Ibiza. Me and my bunny will go there one day and I'll write a "tail" of the outcome." -- K.
"I've been and have to say I wasn't as impressed as I'd hoped to be. Okay the nightlife was good, but take that away and you have a dry, brown little island with not much in the way of history and architecture, and bland scenery. Corfu is breathtaking, Barcelona is exciting, rotterdam interesting, reikiovik dark, Berlin cold, but Ibiza is nightlife and nothing much else. It was hot though which is always good and we hired a car and did every inch of the island I think. and I fell in love with an obliging horse called passport and paid fourteen quid a day (our money) to ride him every morning we were there." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"retarded story." -- sunny, DC, USA.
"Retarded? Oh how harsh you critics are, surely slightly village idiot would have been strong enough. Okay I admit this one probably aint going to pass it's GCSE's bless it, but hey even crap stories have feeling's you know. It's sitting here now crying into it's beer, blotting all it's ink and saying in a slow (Because he doesn't talk right fast) monotone "Why am I such a failure?" If you see this poor little story on top of Runcorn bridge about to leap into the abyss, then on your head be it. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"And as for those two pushy possesive 'it's' they can go and jump right along with it. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"Stay out of my business! You don't know anything about me! " -- Nic.
"Yeah that's right mind your own business and stay out of Nic's. Go eat your tea and crumpets and say spit-spot all day, and stay outta Nic's way, cuz you don't wanna mess with the best!" -- Kream Korn.
"I resent that, I'm only 17, but I consider myself a British lady as well. For your information before you go and stereotype an entire segment of the people know that not all Brits run around eating tea and scones and saying "spit-spot" all day, in fact the only person I ever heard say that was Mary Poppins, and that was an American movie about us English. Many people do partake in the type of food you've mentioned and there's nothing wrong with that, but don't attempt to stereotype us. BTW I do have very nice teeth thank-you." -- Lora.
"Spit spot, spit spot!" -- cole.


Lake Of The Woods by Stephanie Black (1)
"Hello Stephanie, I wanted to go over this piece with you. It is an actual critique so do not become afraid or angry once you see its length or suggestions for improvement. The title drew me in and made me wonder what this Lake of the Woods was all about. You did a wonderful job, especially keeping some of the spelling errors to a bare minimum, but I wanted to go over the ones you did make so that you may correct them. Some words that work closely together are hyphenated to show their relationship with each other. Where you have the words (all together) you may wish to hyphenate. (It backed away and searched everywhere it could trying not to let the sound get to him.) In this sentence I think it would be appropriate for you to include the word �while� between �could� and �trying.� As the sentence reads now, it sounds a bit wobbly. To understand what I mean it is perhaps best to break up the sentence into different parts. Most will sound right, such as ��backed away and�� ��everywhere it could�� and ��sound get to him.� But as you will see �it could trying not to� doesn�t quite work. I know what you mean by (unscared), but I�m afraid there is no such word. Try �not scared� or �unafraid�. When you say (luke warm) try compounding it. Impressions: The story was captivating from the very first paragraphs. I enjoyed reading it, though I would have done some of the word ordering differently if I had been writing it such as (�the wet grass soaked the shoes of the three families�), but then again I didn�t write it, so it is purely up to the style of the author who has written it. I think this story would appeal mainly to a YA audience, and may have sales potential, if the author could come back to it perhaps at a later date with a bit more writing experience, especially concerning the particulars of foreshadowing (because when the story�s confilict isn�t presented immediately, good foreshadowing is necessary to come into play), and re-tweak it. Praise Where Praise is Due: The strengths of this piece lie within its steady flow, (there is no �and then ummm�� that you find in the work of many younger writers),and especially with its attention to detail, without becoming absorbed in detail that is unimportant to the story. There was believable conflict, and the lot was clear and believable. The setting was also well described. The people need some work, but there is no major flaws within the characterization, and the dialogue which they spoke is passable. In closing this story could in fact sell with some moderate retouches. " -- Karma.


Insideout by David B Doc Byron (2)
"I really like the tone and dialogue, good story, too, I could hear her voice in my head, visualize her sitting on a metal bunk in the lock-up ... Great job, Doc!" -- Judith.
"Okay, man, mucho mucho praise! This is really the kind of stuff i'm trying to write at the moment and it's really good to see it done so wellhere (hell knows I can't write like that). There is a lot of passion there and I can sense it so... that's 'bout it. Good, disturbing, work." -- Rowan Davies.


Four Months by Hopii Canterfield (2)
"Your right it is predictable and trite, it sounds just like sopmething my exgirlfriend would right. I think for being in high school though you have alot potential. Keep writing." -- B.A..
"1. Title: The title while acceptable kept leading me to think of the Hugh Grant movie �Nine Months.� 2. Spelling and Grammar: Hyphenate �four month.� After �irrelevant� use a semicolon. �The only thing they ever cared about was each other�� I detect an error in this sentence, but I�m uncertain as how to fix it. 3. Opinions: Interesting. And also curious that it shold have a word-count of 666. I wonder if this was intentional. 4. Options: Run that sentence by an English professor." -- JA St. George.


Experience As In Dostojewski by Stefanie Aschmann (1)
"'Experience As In Dostojewski' by Stefanie Aschmann is a wonderfully constructed and thought provoking text. Miss Aschmann displays much potential for greatness in such a small piece causing one to assume that she already owns a substantial and popular portfolio. The question we must ask is �How long before she publishes more?� I for one look forward to her next tale with schoolboy eagerness." -- Andrew Humphreys, Manchester, Gtr Manchester, England.


Cat's Chorus by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (1)
"Wonderful. I love kitties. >^..^<" -- Lora.


Cancer Of The Circumstance by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"ok . once again paul is a wowing authour. i have myself experiance the pain and hatered of a cancer ridding illness. those who have ever experiancence anywhere from to them or t a family member will sobb to this story of sadness and fear." -- rachel williams, west melbourne, vic.


Anne by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (5)
"An interesting character study? But if this is a true tale a sad story Sooz!" -- Monte.
"This is a wonderful piece. I can really see that poor woman sitting right in front of me. It ends rather abruptly, but other than that..." -- pearl.
"Nope not a true story. It started off as an excersise in characterisation when I was trying to teach myself how to 'build' characters. As far as I'm aware the fictious Anne is alive and well and terrorising North Yorkshire." -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"Thanks both :-)" -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"I once read that characters have to be real enough to cast shadows. I think your hefty Anne certainly does that, and for more reasons than her weight. Well done, though I wouldn't mind seeing her in another, longer story with a different ending." -- Deon.


After She Left by Paul Leighland MacLaine (1)
"edge of your seat. really great to experiance a story seen by two people through differant eyes. to tell who was lost i want more.!" -- rachel williams, west melbourne, vic.


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